Saturday, April 1, 2017

I'm a Mess.

Currently, I feel like, emotionally, my life is a mess. 
Spiritually, I'm growing and it is not sunshine and daisies. 
It's a long, painful journey. 

Lately, things have not being going as I have planned. 
I planned everything out and one small hiccup causes everything to go down. 
Or so it seems.
I take a step forward and am sucker-punched five steps back.
I crawl back to where I was and keep pushing. 
I'm in a place where important decisions are having to be made. 
Changes are happening and I don't know how, when or what things are going to change. 
I feel like I'm at this bridge that's going off the ledge and I don't know where it goes.
Boards are missing, I can't see below the bridge and I don't know where the end of this bridge is. 
I have this continual thought in the back of my mind that tells me to be brave.
Why do I have to be brave?

I have made a lot of mistakes and will continue to make mistakes for the rest of my life.
I have said things I haven't meant and will probably say more.
It's not necessarily something I'm proud of, but I am human.
A simple word.
That's that.
I am a sinner who is so undeserving of God's grace.
I will fall.
I will fail.
I am loved.
I am His.

God loved the thought of me so much that He created me. 
He created me from the stars in the galaxy and dust of this earth. 
God BREATHED into me. 
He created me for a purpose, giving me gifts to please Him and help others. 
I may not know what's going on a lot of the time, but I have to trust Him. 
Even when things are uncertain, I have to trust. 
I have to have a full trust and be patient for Him to work. 
It's hard and seems so unfair.
Why can't I say "I trust" and things be fixed right then and there?
Why do I have to wait for things to change when He knows I'm hurting now? 
Why is it so hard?

God is not cruel, biased or unfair.
God is just, jealous, merciful and gracious.
He loved us before creation and loves us now.
I go to Him with these problems, fears, worries and anxieties, as a child will to their parents.
I want to fix my problems myself and make things better, but am powerless.
I fight so hard at times to do it myself but can't.
Why should I? 
He is with me. 

So hi, I'm a mess.
I am human.
I am a princess. 
I am a child of the King. 
I am loved.