I'm approaching 23 and am about to venture into an entire new time in my life.
New places, new people, new adventures.
A year ago, I wouldn't expect to be where I am now.
I've learned a lot over the last year.
Most of which has been in the last few months.
Good and bad.
I've been trying to beat that into my head.
I've changed this past year.
I've gotten bolder, stronger, louder and brighter.
I've also had a lot of hurt, pain, and anxiety.
Some of which I thought would never happen.
These things are rarely going to change.
Someone is always going to hurt you.
There will always be pain.
For myself, I will always have anxiety.
Although these all seem so negative and scary, they've also developed and furthered the good in my life.
People hurt me, so I needed to be strong.
I've experienced pain and I came out brighter and louder because of it.
My anxiety has had several significantly bad flares, so I learned and became bolder about it.
I'm not done changing.
I never will be.
I grieve, I cry, I get angry and I get over it.
And that's okay.
It's 100% okay to do those things.
When it's time to let go and free these burdens, do it.
I had to stop holding on to things that I couldn't change.
And after grieving and being angry, I was able to let them go.
I had no more control, so why do I keep holding on?
Did it hurt? --Very.
Was it going to change? --Probably not.
Will it change? --I'm not sure.
Did I get through it and over it? --Yep!
Sometimes closure is best, other times there is no closure.
I've learned that over my life and definitely these last couple years.
Lives ended, relationships ended and life was shaken.
There will always be questions, but not always an answer.
I will sometimes think, "what if I did this different...", but there's nothing to change.
It happened the way it did and it happened for a reason.
Sometimes it sucks, but it will never change.
Someone once told me,
"I can't promise you results, but I can promise you effort."
The past few days of writing this, I've stuck those words in my head.
As long as there is effort, there is change.
It may not always be what and how we want it or expect it to be, but life happens the way it does for a reason.
So what if this one thing doesn't go your way?
Go with the change, adapt and be better.
I've definitely gotten better this past year.
I made new friends and built relationships, but also lost some along the way.
I gave myself the time to grieve over a few things (probably a little too long in certain areas, sorry), but now...I'm ready.
I'm ready to start another chapter of my life and keep pushing myself to be better.
With effort comes results, no matter how small.
The results may not always be what you expect, but it's always what is best for you.
That's another phrase; "Best for you."
It seems so simple.
Do what is best for you.
Things work out for the best.
So on and so on.
It sucks, it really does.
How you accept it is how you're going to power through it.
For me, I said okay...I know I'm great and smart and wonderful and beautiful and wise.
I'm going to go with it and see what happens.
I needed a hero and strength, so that's what I started to be.
My own hero.
And guess what--I got through it!
I had to pull myself together, put my hair down, put my eyeliner and lipstick on and go.
It may not seem like that right now, but it will be okay if you believe it will be.
If you don't believe it, you'll never move on.
Moving on is tough and can really take grief and time to do it, but it's not impossible.
You can't change that past, but you can brighten your future.
People will start to see that growth--that spark and see how awesome you are.
Sometimes they'll think, "man, I let that go. I lost that."
Yep, they did.
It's okay and always will be.
There's no reason to be harsh about things, you just have to clear your mind and say, "I'm going to do it. Whatever it is and whatever it takes."
That is how you find what really is "best for you."
One of my mentors gave me a book as a gift from (finally) graduating from college.
The book was based off of a poem called, "the Dash."
Essentially, when you look at a gravestone, it has the year born, a dash and the year of passing.
That dash is everything in between.
The good and bad, tough and simple, difficult and easy.
It's all there in that dash.
What matters most is how we make it count.
Doing your best, trying your hardest and knocking through every obstacle that comes your way is making it count.
People will remember you for who you are, what you've done and how you lived.
There's no reason to keep putting these burdens and pressures on yourself.
When you can't see the sun behind the clouds, you know it's there.
Let it in and fill your heart.
You have to love yourself before you can let someone love you.
You have to power through the darkness to feel the light.
Today, I let go.
I let go to be free and happy and bright.
I let go because I know that nothing will change if I don't, no matter how much I want it to, and there's no reason to keep burdening myself with it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best:
"Finish each day and be done with. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."I set myself free of the pain, struggle, unnecessary hurt and grief to realize that I'm going to be okay.
The world hasn't stopped moving, my heart hasn't stopped beating and the sun hasn't stopped shining.
There will be moments when you feel like everything in your life is a chaotic mess, but just know that "it doesn't matter how slowly you go as long as you don't stop."
I woke up one day and thought, "I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be just fine."
And I am; I'm okay.
I'm outgrowing people, and that's okay.
I'm sitting in the moments--good and bad.
Finding a self sufficient joy is what I'm going for.
I'm looking for my sunshine again.
Today, I don't feel alone.
I'm going to mess up.
I'm going to feel moments of sadness and pain.
I'm going to have times where I want to lay on my couch, watch movies, eat mac and cheese and wear sweatpants.
But today, I feel the sun on my face and light in my soul.
One of my all time favorite artists, MØ released 'Final Song.'
She said that "‘Final Song’ is about reconnecting with your inner strength. With your inner glow, passion, spirit animal, whatever—the force that keeps us going and doing what we love...We all need to feel empowered from within to be the best version of ourself, but it’s not always easy and that’s what inspired me to write these lyrics. When you’re united with your inner glow you can beat the fears and fly towards your dreams."I couldn't ask for something more empowering than this.
I'm regaining my strength and rediscovering who I am.
"I'm stronger because I had to be, smarter because of my mistakes, happier because of the sadness I've been through and wiser because I've learned."
I am sunshine mixed with a little bit of hurricane.
I am a mess of gorgeous chaos who will never be dull.
I am flawless and beautiful.
It never hurts to keep looking for sunshine.
Even when you can't see it, it's always there.
The darker the night, the brighter the stars.
I am worth so much.
More than rubies and precious gems.
More than the pain and hurt that I've been through.
Because in the darkest hours, hope rains down.
This isn't my final song.
"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." -John Steinbeck