Wednesday, October 22, 2014


There's something that I've wanted to talk about for a while.
Some already know about it and others haven't the slightest.
For those of you who already know, thank you for your support; it truly means a lot to me.
For those who don't know, I hope you take my perspective into account and choose to support me.
This isn't an easy thing to talk about, but I'm ready to take a step in this direction.

I have anxiety.  
According to my doctor, I have stress-induced anxiety.
For years, I knew that something about me was off. 
I wasn't able to handle certain things like my older sister or friends would and honestly, it was extremely frustrating.
They could hold their own and I was barely able to concentrate.
My mind was basically a big mess, and sometimes it still can be.

My anxiety has caused me problems in the past.
Mainly with school..
I would study for an exam and whenever I would go to take it, I would fall apart.
I would read the first couple of questions or instructions and my mind would blank, my heart would race, and I would start breathing extremely fast or cry; basically a panic attack.
It really hit when I came to college.
It wasn't terribly visible my first year but come my second year, I fell apart.
Almost to the point of completely dropping out of school.
It was awful.

After pushing through, miraculously, I ended up barely passing.
Over that summer, I talked to my parents and my boss about what was wrong with me (that's basically how I said it...) and we all came to the conclusion that I might have some kind of anxiety.
We didn't want to jump to conclusions, so I decided to see how that next semester would go and continue from there. 
That winter break, I went to see my doctor.
That was a rough day.
This doctor I've known for most of my life and after talking with him, he decided that putting me on some medicine would help me.
Terrified doesn't begin to describe what I felt.
Although I tried to keep a brave face, inside I was racing. 
After he explained what it would do, I was able to calm down and accept what he was saying.
To this day, I'm still on this medicine and that's another thing I want to hit on really quick.

Anxiety is defined as this: 
"a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease; typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome"
For the record, I'm not crazy or whatever word is associated with it. 
I'm human. 
I am a 21 year old woman who loves Jesus, her family, her friends, her boyfriend, and her life.
If you've known me for a good while, you can probably tell that I do.
I want to be extremely clear--anxiety does not define me
Yes, it is a part of me, but it is not me. 
This medicine that I've been taking has truly helped me. 
I'm able to take exams without completely breaking down.
I don't worry as much about certain things.
I'm also still working on myself.
I'm still trying to combat this.
It's a daily battle.

I'm working on becoming better.
I'm working on building my confidence.
I'm working on being lovely.
Anxiety doesn't define me.
It will never define me.