A few days ago, I received news that no one ever wants to hear.
Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've gotten news like this.
Since my freshman year of college, this is the second time.
If you haven't been able to guess, yes...a family member of mine is very sick and isn't expected to be with us much longer.
I've taken the past few days to think, collect and prepare myself.
No one is ever really ready for stuff like this.
Even if you claim to be, you never are.
I'll say it like it is: this sucks.
Someone whom I have a connection with isn't going to be on this physical planet much longer.
Someone who has influenced me and supported my reasoning behind certain things isn't going to be able to watch me pursue my dream.
It's something we all experience at one point or another, but it will always hurt.
It will always make you ask questions and yell and scream into oblivion.
It'll make you ask "Why is this happening?!", and you become so overwhelmed you can't think straight.
I'm guilty of doing this.
I honestly don't know what to say.
I'm at a loss for words and my thoughts are still a bit out of control.
The thing that's hard for me is that we all were expecting this from the recent diagnosis, but we weren't expecting the time frame of it.
We've known for a little while that it wasn't good, but now, it's evident.
My heart is in pain, confusion, and is trying to process everything.
No one expects things like this to happen so suddenly.
All I can do right now is just be thankful for the time I had with them, keep praying and staying strong.
I personally feel that music, sleep, and jotting down my thoughts is something I can do to keep my feet steady.
The day I found out, I got back to my room and crawled in my bed, just praying and crying to the point of exhaustion.
My blog posts and journal are a way that I write down all these feelings and thoughts to help me sort them out.
Some of the music that I've been listening to is:
-Anchor by Mindy Gledhill
-Neptune by Sleeping at Last
-the entire Oceans EP by Sleeping at Last
-Thistle and Weeds by Mumford & Sons
-Like the Dawn by The Oh Hello's
-Dein Herz trägt Felsen by Eva Croissant
-But you can enjoy life before and after, by Weaver at the Loom
Although I'll never be fully prepared, for now, I'm going to do my best to be strong for my family and for my sake.
The good Lord will take her when He is ready to; I pray that he helps us to be at peace when it comes and to be joyous for the time we've had with her.
Unfortunately, she didn't make it.
Pamela passed on June 20, 2014 at 6:30 a.m.
May the Lord watch over our family, her friends, and the people she affected.
We love you.