Anxieties.

There's something that I've wanted to talk about for a while.

Some already know about it and others haven't the slightest.

For those of you who already know, thank you for your support; it truly means a lot to me.

For those who don't know, I hope you take my perspective into account and choose to support me.

This isn't an easy thing to talk about, but I'm ready to take a step in this direction.

I have anxiety.  

According to my doctor, I have stress-induced anxiety.

For years, I knew that something about me was off. 

I wasn't able to handle certain things like my older sister or friends would and honestly, it was extremely frustrating.
They could hold their own and I was barely able to concentrate.

My mind was basically a big mess, and sometimes it still can be.

My anxiety has caused me problems in the past.

Mainly with school..

I would study for an exam and whenever I would go to take it, I would fall apart.

I would read the first couple of questions or instructions and my mind would blank, my heart would race, and I would start breathing extremely fast or cry; basically a panic attack.

It really hit when I came to college.

It wasn't terribly visible my first year but come my second year, I fell apart.

Almost to the point of completely dropping out of school.

It was awful.

After pushing through, miraculously, I ended up barely passing.

Over that summer, I talked to my parents and my boss about what was wrong with me (that's basically how I said it...) and we all came to the conclusion that I might have some kind of anxiety.

We didn't want to jump to conclusions, so I decided to see how that next semester would go and continue from there. 

That winter break, I went to see my doctor.

That was a rough day.

This doctor I've known for most of my life and after talking with him, he decided that putting me on some medicine would help me.

Terrified doesn't begin to describe what I felt.

Although I tried to keep a brave face, inside I was racing. 

After he explained what it would do, I was able to calm down and accept what he was saying.

To this day, I'm still on this medicine and that's another thing I want to hit on really quick.

Anxiety is defined as this: 

"a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease; typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome"

For the record, I'm not crazy or whatever word is associated with it. 

I'm human. 

I am a 21 year old woman who loves Jesus, her family, her friends, her boyfriend, and her life.

If you've known me for a good while, you can probably tell that I do.

I want to be extremely clear--anxiety does not define me. 

Yes, it is a part of me, but it is not me. 

This medicine that I've been taking has truly helped me. 

I'm able to take exams without completely breaking down.

I don't worry as much about certain things.

I'm also still working on myself.

I'm still trying to combat this.

It's a daily battle.

I'm working on becoming better.

I'm working on building my confidence.

I'm working on being lovely.

Anxiety doesn't define me.

It will never define me. 

Keep Going.

A few days ago, I received news that no one ever wants to hear.
Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've gotten news like this.
Since my freshman year of college, this is the second time.
If you haven't been able to guess, yes...a family member of mine is very sick and isn't expected to be with us much longer.

I've taken the past few days to think, collect and prepare myself.
No one is ever really ready for stuff like this.
Even if you claim to be, you never are.

I'll say it like it is: this sucks.
Someone whom I have a connection with isn't going to be on this physical planet much longer.
Someone who has influenced me and supported my reasoning behind certain things isn't going to be able to watch me pursue my dream.
It's something we all experience at one point or another, but it will always hurt.
It will always make you ask questions and yell and scream into oblivion.
It'll make you ask "Why is this happening?!", and you become so overwhelmed you can't think straight.
I'm guilty of doing this.
I honestly don't know what to say.
I'm at a loss for words and my thoughts are still a bit out of control.

The thing that's hard for me is that we all were expecting this from the recent diagnosis, but we weren't expecting the time frame of it.
We've known for a little while that it wasn't good, but now, it's evident.
My heart is in pain, confusion, and is trying to process everything.
No one expects things like this to happen so suddenly.
All I can do right now is just be thankful for the time I had with them, keep praying and staying strong.

I personally feel that music, sleep, and jotting down my thoughts is something I can do to keep my feet steady.
The day I found out, I got back to my room and crawled in my bed, just praying and crying to the point of exhaustion.
My blog posts and journal are a way that I write down all these feelings and thoughts to help me sort them out.
Some of the music that I've been listening to is:
-Anchor by Mindy Gledhill
-Neptune by Sleeping at Last
-the entire Oceans EP by Sleeping at Last
-Thistle and Weeds by Mumford & Sons
-Like the Dawn by The Oh Hello's
-Dein Herz trägt Felsen by Eva Croissant
-But you can enjoy life before and after, by Weaver at the Loom

Although I'll never be fully prepared, for now, I'm going to do my best to be strong for my family and for my sake.
The good Lord will take her when He is ready to; I pray that he helps us to be at peace when it comes and to be joyous for the time we've had with her.


Update:
Unfortunately, she didn't make it.
Pamela passed on June 20, 2014 at 6:30 a.m.
May the Lord watch over our family, her friends, and the people she affected.
We love you.

Believe.

In one of our staff meetings, our boss had us write down "Believe Statements".
What they are are basically exactly what it says; you write things you believe in.
Ironically, I've done something similar like this before, so I was familiar with the concept.
My boss had picked us each out separate, page long statement that he thought would relate to us.
The statement I was given fit me pretty well.
The overall statement said this:

“So I believe in treating strangers like family. I believe in making people feel comfortable. No one should have to feel isolated or alone when they walk into a room full of strangers, and in New Orleans, no one does.”

Granted, I'm a Texas gal and everything applied, except the New Orleans part.
I feel like if we don't treat people kindly, that it reflects us badly and makes them feel rejected or that something is wrong with them.
This statement also falls under one of my strengths: Includer.
What that means is to stretch the circle wider so everyone can be included.
Seeing the sight of someone being left out hurts me and I try my absolute best to include as many people as possible.
We are all equally important and no one should be ignored.
Each of us should be included because it is the least we all deserve.

After we finished reading ours, he had us write a believe statement of our own.
At first, I had ask myself what I believed.
I mean, I know what I believe, but describing it is quite difficult.

So this is what I wrote for my 'first' believe statement:

"I believe in grace. I believe in having faith. Not only in Christ, but in myself. I believe that hardship, struggle, and pain make us who we are. We’re all different and that, I’m thankful for. Psalm 139:14, my favorite verse, explains each of us perfectly. I believe that if you have faith in (both God and) yourself, that things are going to be just fine. Just because you’re give a bad hand doesn’t been you’re going to lose. By believing in grace, we are given many days to show love to others. I believe in love. Love for yourself and for others. If you can’t bring yourself to love yourself, you can’t fully love others. I believe in love, grace, faith, God, others, and myself. I believe in happiness. Happiness is earned, not bought. I believe in these because it helps shape us into we are meant to be. We are lovely and we are loved."

I could definitely expand on this, but I think this is a good start.