Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is such a strong word.
It's such a hard thing to do as well.
There comes a time where you become so hurt, you feel like you can never forgive.
And on the opposite of that, there are so many times we feel like we don't deserve forgiveness.
You think about the past and what lead you to where you are, I know I do often.
I become so lost in the things I've done and what I wished I would've done different, but it's all done.
There's nothing I can really do.

Forgiving sounds easy, right?
All you have to do is go up to that person and say, "Hey, I'm really sorry for A, B, and C. Can you forgive me?"
Yeah, I think it all out in my head that way, but it usually turns into me stuttering for five minutes and finally either giving up or saying something along the lines of, "I'm not perfect, I messed up, and you should forgive me."
NO; I can't keep doing that to myself because I feel so much worse.
I have to process things before I can move on.
If something major happens in my life, I have to sit down, think about it, and figure out what the heck I'm going to do.
I get in this phase of trying to figure out what I could do to be the "good friend who never screws up" but honestly, no such thing exists.
Imperfections surround my life and sometimes, I get lost in them.
I screw up often and definitely don't always make it right.
I get to the point of where I don't feel like someone could forgive me.
And on the other hand, I don't always want to forgive someone who's done me wrong.
It doesn't really seem fair because they're the ones who messed up and should be down at my feet, begging for me to forgive them.
That's not okay.
When did this perception get so screwed up?
Was it because of what they did or is it because I made it seem worse than it really is?
This seems so silly.

Another hard part of forgiving is the part where you let go and forget it.
Now, some say you never want to forget what you forgave them for, and that may be the case, but for me...
Why hold onto something that's been forgiven?
If you fully forgive them and they're completely sincere, why hold onto that baggage?
It's just going to drag you down.
There's been times where I don't want to forgive someone because they've done something that's hurt me so deep that it's almost impossible to let go of....but that moment that you let go of it, that feeling....being completely free of that hurt or guilt, that's what makes it worth it.
Letting go and moving on from it is so beautiful.
You feel different; inside and out.
Isn't it worth it?

“Alles ist seinen Preis wert.”

"All things are worth their price."

How amazing is that?

Isn't it worth it?

Letting go.

Moving on.

Being free of these burdens.

Forgiving those who've hurt you.

Asking ones you've hurt for their forgiveness.

It's worth it.

Seeing Yourself.

Today, I wanted to challenge myself.
I'm going to start by saying that it was not easy.
At all.
I challenged myself with not looking into a mirror, or my reflection in general, for a day.

You'd think that this would be easy because you don't have to look up.
False.
For anyone who has ever tried putting on make-up without a mirror has an idea...
That was kind of difficult, but alas, I did it!
Anywho, my reasoning:
I wanted to do this because I feel like I spend so much time looking at what I look like.
We never really think about it, but it's natural to look at yourself.
It's part of our daily routine.
Pushing myself to not look in the mirror was hard.
I had to remind myself every time I went somewhere to not look at my reflection.
So much of the time we scream, "Look! Notice me!" inside that we let it take over us.
I'm just as guilty as anyone.
And this....this kicked my butt.
Especially when my new glasses came in the mail...I couldn't look at myself in them.
I had to wait!

It made me think about myself; what I look like on the inside, what God was doing in my life, and how I was changing and what I needed to change.
It was a huge wake-up call, and a very rude one at that.
I spend so much time thinking about how I look to other people instead of looking at what I do for other people.
After going all day without looking into a mirror, I saw something a little different.
I felt like I saw someone else.
I did.
As strange as it sounds, I saw me.
I looked at my features and saw something good; something positive.
I didn't directly point out my flaws.
I could see my green eyes, my crazy, curly hair, my pearl teeth, and perfectly pink cheeks.
These are things I've always looked at, but never really saw.
I could always find something wrong with me.
After this, I told myself that I'm going to do my best to look at me.
Saying this to myself was obviously very hard.
I spend so much of the time that I look at myself, finding something about myself to hate.
Why?
So I can tell people how much I dislike a part of me and they can make me feel better.
Yeah, I'll admit to doing it every now and again.
I highly doubt you can deny doing the same.
We spend so much time putting ourselves down.
We pick out every single flaw we have and focus all of our attention on it.
All of our energy goes into disliking things about ourselves.
My all time favorite verse is Psalm 139:14;

“I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

How beautiful is that?
Going from that, in Isaiah 12: 5 it says;

“Sing to the Lord, for he has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world.”

Let the world know of his grace and his glory.

The joy I've gotten from this has made me dance and sing.
I'm promising myself, right here, that I'm going to do my absolute best to change my attitudes about the way I look.
It's not going to be easy.
In fact, it's going to be extremely hard, but I can do it.
With my friends and family to support me and Christ walking with me, I have no doubt in my heart that I can do this.

So here I go.

Testimonials.

I know I've mentioned this in the past, but today marks an important day for me.
Three years ago, I made a promise to myself to get better.
Three years ago marks the day I quit being anorexic.
And after being that way for years, I thought it was impossible.
Even though it was hard, I did it.
For people who have never gone through something like this, a promise like this is difficult to keep.
Making this promise was one of the best decisions
Anywho, I decided to have a little fun today.
I don't want to dwell on what was.
I'm moving on with my life.
I've grown in so many ways, I don't even know where to start.
As for the fun.....
with a little bit of help from a friend......
well.....
I'll just leave a few of these here. :)



What?!
I can't help it....
I love smiling.
I love pictures.
I love capturing and seeing happiness and growth.

"She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her."
-Proverbs 3:15

"Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure."
-Psalm 16:9

"Lust not after her beauty in your heart; neither let her take you with her eyelids."
-Proverbs 6:25

"For you are our glory and joy."
-1 Thessalonians 2:20

When I look at these pictures, I don't see what was.

I don't see the hurt and the pain that I put myself through.

I see happiness, joy, and the love of being alive each day.

I am seeing myself fearfully and wonderfully made.

I can see that now.
The reason I see write all these things is to show my life and my testimony; to show someone else that it's okay to be afraid, but not to let it stop you.
Be fearful.
Shine.
Dance.
Sing.
Show the world who you are and what you have to offer.

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
-Proverbs 31:30

The lovely friend of mine who took these pictures: http://psalm121aggierider.wordpress.com/

Majors.

When I tell people that I'm studying History, there are usually 3 statements people ask or tell me:
              1) What are you going to do with that?
              2) Oh, you're a Liberal Arts major....
              3) That sounds so easy! You're going to college for that?

In all honesty, it gets old.
I know a lot of people are curious about what I want to do, and that's completely fine with me.
What makes me upset is that 2nd and 3rd statements....
It's not a particular department or major, but rather as a whole, including myself.
Almost everyone says or has said something negative about another major.
Stop, just stop.
Seriously.
Every major, department, and college is different.
Everyone is different (obviously) and the more you say negative things about their college or major, a few things could happen.
They could feel like their major isn't as good as another.
Even though they love their major, they sometimes change it just to fit into the crowd.
I can say from experience that I have thought about changing my major to something harder just to impress and fit into this crowd.
Wrong.
I am still a History major, and unless God changes that, I WILL major in that.
It's really one of those things of, "if you've never been through it, you don't know".
If you've never been through certain courses of certain majors, you have no idea what it's like.
I'm also saying this in context of not just you're course requirements.
Taking one or two English, History, Math, Science, or etc. for course requirements is completely different.
People who study each of these things face different challenges.
I can state as fact that I face obstacles that are opposite of engineering majors, business majors, and etc.

I also want to state that I respect every single department and every single person with a major the same and different than me.
I don't know how you handle the courses and work you do, but I want you to soar and do what YOU love.
If your major pleases you and you love it, GO FOR IT.
Do what you love, not what is pleasing to others.
God has you there for a reason.
Even though you may not know what it is, follow it and He'll guide you.


"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" -Jeremiah 29:11

"...for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure." -Philippians 2:13 

"The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

Onward

Another year in the books.
Finally.
People talk about resolutions they want to make and leaves they want to turn, but me....well, I have to disagree with the thought.
Yes, there are things that I want to change and do better, but it shouldn't be JUST the new year that is going to make it happen.
It seems quite silly actually.
We just give the excuse, "It's a fresh start which means a new and fresh me."
As odd as it may seem, it just doesn't "start over".
There is no 2012 again....ever.
It's gone.
You can't "start over" and try the year over again.
You just have to start with an open mind, but.......
I go to the fact that God doesn't start over on us; he NEVER gives up on us.
I can assure you that I had MANY times this year where I just wanted to say, "Forget it. I give up."
In some cases, I did.
It's funny because obviously even though I said it, I didn't.
So I say to this, I will welcome the things that are headed my way.
Good and bad.
I'm sticking with it.
I'm prepared for the hurt that I'm going to feel.
I'm ready for the successes I will accomplish.
I have my mind set on the goals that I have to tackle and I won't stop fighting for them.
I'm embracing 2013 with open arms and giving 2012 a kiss goodbye.
Thanks and Gig 'em.









I do, before I go, want to show a few of my favorite moments from this year.
Showing them and seeing them makes me smile.

Mission 'X' carried out by the boys <3 

Team Toothless.

many baking adventures.

The Rocket Summer! <3

saving my baby girl, 

and watching her grow. :3

© E. Stevens Photography 2012

watching my sister fall in love and get engaged to the man of her dreams.

even though it's silly, I got a reply from one of the biggest inspirations I have! :D

becoming an RA and having an awesome, kick-butt staff. ;)

sassy.

meeting this awesome guy-whatadayderek. ;)

best friends who find ways to make you melt <3

watching my Ags, and finding some of my favorite people in random places.

going to Songfest with Kelsie... ;)

meeting Aaron Gillespie.

going to Costa Rica....kicking and screaming. :)

having my own Skype concert with one of my absolute favorite artists, Austin Nivarel.

having a best friend who has been there for you and always will be.

and lastly, for growing.

Thanks for sticking with me and helping me realize that I can do this.

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."   -Psalm 16:11

Fear.

Like most people, I fear a lot of things.
Irrational and rational.
My biggest one is failure.
I know a lot of people who have this fear, but I hate admitting that I do.
I have a fear of failure.
If one thing messes up, I feel like everything is messed up.
Well, I've done a lot of thinking about this.
Failure is a part of life, obviously.
After everything that's happened this past semester, it hit me in the face yesterday.
I messed up.
I failed.
It was right in front of me and I can't go back and fix it.
Seems a little intense right?
I felt like I could somehow pull it off, but I saw that I didn't.
Did it hurt? 

Crushing is what it is.
After crying and moping around for a few hours, I realized I needed to rethink what I'm doing;
"Is this really for me?" "Is this what I want to do?"
The biggest out of the many questions I was asking myself was, "Is this the path that God is wanting me to go down?"
I'm scared, no, petrified.
I don't know what God is wanting me to do or where He is wanting me to go.
Especially after what I realized yesterday, I'm really lost.
There have been so many times that I've wanted to just give up and call it quits, but I think this time was the biggest.
I kept telling myself that I am nothing more than an average person with average grades in an average life.
I have fought that off for so long and yesterday it took a toll on me.
I realized that I'm not average, I'm not like anyone else, and I have to figure what in the heck is going on.
It's not going to be easy.
If it was meant to be easy, God would've put wings on my back and let me do whatever.
Instead, He is going to direct me somewhere else and help get me back to where I need to be.

"One of the greatest discoveries a person makes, one of their great surprises, is to find they can do what they were afraid they couldn't do." -Henry Ford

"Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." -Winston Churchill

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius

"I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back." -Abraham Lincoln

"All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney

We all have times in our life where we are going to fail.
One of mine is now.
Getting up from this isn't going to be easy, but whatever it takes, I will get back to where I need to be, and I will soar.

"He gives strength to weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." -Isaiah 40:29-31

The Sun Will Shine Tomorrow.

There are days where I just don't feel like I can make it.
Things get in the way and I don't want to mess with it.
I just get in this funk to where nothing I say or do makes a difference.
It's pretty odd.
There is one thing I do remember getting told when I was young;
"Smile Sally, the Sun will shine tomorrow."
I try to keep this in my head when things aren't going great.
I try to remember that this is true.
The Sun will shine tomorrow.
Another day will come and go.
It's the way life is.
We have good days.
We have bad days.
We have days that feel to never end.
We have days that slip through our fingers.

Things don't exactly go our way.
We can plan out every detail, but somehow it will never cease to amaze me how it all works out in the end.
We feel like we have everything so planned out.
Detail by detail, we fill our days with so many things.
It gets old.
The same routine at a never-changing pace.
Why can't we just stop?
Why do we keep going around in these circles?
The past few weeks have felt like no matter how hard I would work, I would always end up short.
No matter how hard I would push myself, it wasn't good enough.
Regardless of everything I do, I can't pass that line of "success".
Is it just me?
I mean, I try to keep positive, but it just gets so old.
Having to tell yourself multiple times that "you can do this" doesn't have much of an effect on me.
It just gets my hopes up half the time.

I'm really good at keeping this "happy" face on.
When things are really, just absolutely terribly, I can usually hid it.
People usually know somethings up, but I just ignore it which make them forget about it too.
It's one of the many things I can do pretty well.
I feel like if I help others with what is going on in their life, then I can sort mine out.
Obviously, that's a really stupid thing to do, but I hate focusing so much attention on myself.
Psalm 68:19-20 really hit me in the face the other day.
It says:
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death."
WHAT.
Like, seriously?!
I read this and broke down.
How stupid am I?
I keep piling all these things on ME.
I keep hurting ME.
I try to do this by MYSELF.
He carries us through anything, we just have to ask him.
He makes each day something different in some way.
Even when it doesn't go our way, he makes it work out in the end.
He will make the Sun shine tomorrow.

No matter what gets thrown on your plate, I will tell you the same thing I was told and finally realized, "the Sun will shine tomorrow."