I'm a Mess.

Currently, I feel like, emotionally, my life is a mess. 

Spiritually, I'm growing and it is not sunshine and daisies. 

It's a long, painful journey. 

Lately, things have not being going as I have planned. 

I planned everything out and one small hiccup causes everything to go down. 

Or so it seems.

I take a step forward and am sucker-punched five steps back.

I crawl back to where I was and keep pushing. 

I'm in a place where important decisions are having to be made. 

Changes are happening and I don't know how, when or what things are going to change. 

I feel like I'm at this bridge that's going off the ledge and I don't know where it goes.

Boards are missing, I can't see below the bridge and I don't know where the end of this bridge is. 

I have this continual thought in the back of my mind that tells me to be brave.
Why do I have to be brave?

I have made a lot of mistakes and will continue to make mistakes for the rest of my life.
I have said things I haven't meant and will probably say more.
It's not necessarily something I'm proud of, but I am human.
Human.
A simple word.
That's that.
I am a sinner who is so undeserving of God's grace.
I will fall.
I will fail.
I am loved.
I am His.

God loved the thought of me so much that He created me. 

He created me from the stars in the galaxy and dust of this earth. 

God BREATHED into me. 

He created me for a purpose, giving me gifts to please Him and help others. 

I may not know what's going on a lot of the time, but I have to trust Him. 

Even when things are uncertain, I have to trust. 

I have to have a full trust and be patient for Him to work. 

It's hard and seems so unfair.

Why can't I say "I trust" and things be fixed right then and there?

Why do I have to wait for things to change when He knows I'm hurting now? 

Why is it so hard?

God is not cruel, biased or unfair.
God is just, jealous, merciful and gracious.

He loved us before creation and loves us now.

I go to Him with these problems, fears, worries and anxieties, as a child will to their parents.

I want to fix my problems myself and make things better, but am powerless.

I fight so hard at times to do it myself but can't.

Why should I? 

He is with me. 

So hi, I'm a mess.

I am human.

I am a princess. 

I am a child of the King. 

I am loved. 

Jewels

Jewels are a precious, curious and beautiful things.
Some are considered rare and others common.
We use them to show our love to someone and sometimes show them off.
I personally see people as jewels.
We are precious and bold, beautiful and rare.
When we loose a jewel, there is a deep sadness and hurt.
We miss it deeply, but remember it perfectly.
Today, a jewel was lost.
She was taken home to be with her gracious, jealous and loving Father.

Sometimes, her stubbornness would  be obnoxious, but we knew that was just a part of the package.
She had a heart of gold, intelligent mind and strong soul.
The memories I have of her and with her I will forever cherish.
Sister, friend and joyous soul.
She was full of life and her smile was infectious.
She was crafty, creative and bubbly.

To my sweet Jewel,
I love you forever.
Although we didn't get along sometimes, you were still like family.
I consider you a sister, not only in life but in Christ.
You have taught me so much, whether you knew it or not.
Being able to hold your hand, tell you I love you and see your beautiful eyes light up are something I will never forget.
I will see you again, my sweet and precious Julie.

All my love and more,

Shelbs.

To the one whom my soul loves...

You.
You are my better half, my soul mate and the one who God has intended me to spend the rest of my life with.
I pray for you, for me and for us.
I'm not even sure if I've met you and if I have, I wouldn't know.
I know that when the both of us were created, Christ had a plan for us to be together.
When, where and how?--I'm still not sure.

I pray for the one who has you now.
That she is treating you right and giving you the love you deserve.
I also pray that when the time comes for you both to let go of each other, that you each have the strength, endurance and hope that it is for the better.
It will be hard, but keep trusting that God is preparing you for me.

I pray for you each day.
I pray that God provides in every way that seems fit for you in that moment.
I pray that He gives you joy, peace, hope and happiness--even when the waters are rough.
I pray that He prepares your heart for me.

I pray for myself.
I pray for forgiveness for the sins I've committed.
I pray for healing and endurance.
I pray that He prepares my heart and soul for you.

I pray for our families.
That they grow together.
That we are able to come together and celebrate the works that God has provided.
That we start our family with Christ at the center.

I have been in love.
I have been hurt.
I have felt like the world has come crashing down.
I have seen God's majesty at work.
I have cried for change and celebrated when it happened.
I have sinned, but He has forgiven me.

I ask just a few things of you, my love.
I ask that you love the Lord more than you will ever love me.
That you treat me like I deserve to be treated and love me with all you have.
That you never hurt me and throw off balance.
That you trust the wait and uncertainty for now because He will provide.
That when the time comes, that you give me all of you.
That you pray continually for you, me and us.
Keep dreaming, keep pushing and do not give up.
Failure will happen, but you have to pick yourself back up.

Here is what I promise you.
I promise that I will give you all I have.
I promise to love Christ will every inch of my being.
I promise to never hurt you, lie to you, or keep things from you.
I promise to tell you everything on my mind and heart.
I promise to keep praying for you, myself and us.
I promise to treat you well and provide in what ways I can.
I promise to give you all of me.

Together, we will do many wonderful things.
We will be happy, in love and God-fearing together.
I can't promise you perfection, but I can promise you that I will give my all.
Failure will happen, but the beauty of that is to keep pushing.

To the one whom my soul loves...
I love you.
Always.

Path of Rediscovery: Part 2

Ah, what a time...
I'm approaching 23 and am about to venture into an entire new time in my life.
New places, new people, new adventures.
A year ago, I wouldn't expect to be where I am now.
I've learned a lot over the last year.
Most of which has been in the last few months.
People change.
I changed.
Life changes.
Good and bad.
I've been trying to beat that into my head.
I've changed this past year.
I've gotten bolder, stronger, louder and brighter.
I've also had a lot of hurt, pain, and anxiety.
Some of which I thought would never happen.
These things are rarely going to change.
Someone is always going to hurt you.
There will always be pain.
For myself, I will always have anxiety.

Although these all seem so negative and scary, they've also developed and furthered the good in my life.
People hurt me, so I needed to be strong.
I've experienced pain and I came out brighter and louder because of it.
My anxiety has had several significantly bad flares, so I learned and became bolder about it.
I'm not done changing.
I never will be.
I grieve, I cry, I get angry and I get over it.
And that's okay.
It's 100% okay to do those things.
When it's time to let go and free these burdens, do it.
I had to stop holding on to things that I couldn't change.
And after grieving and being angry, I was able to let them go.
I had no more control, so why do I keep holding on?
Did it hurt? --Very.
Was it going to change? --Probably not.
Will it change? --I'm not sure.
Did I get through it and over it? --Yep!
Sometimes closure is best, other times there is no closure.
I've learned that over my life and definitely these last couple years.
Lives ended, relationships ended and life was shaken.
There will always be questions, but not always an answer.
I will sometimes think, "what if I did this different...", but there's nothing to change.
It happened the way it did and it happened for a reason.
Sometimes it sucks, but it will never change.

Someone once told me,

"I can't promise you results, but I can promise you effort."

The past few days of writing this, I've stuck those words in my head.
As long as there is effort, there is change.
It may not always be what and how we want it or expect it to be, but life happens the way it does for a reason.
So what if this one thing doesn't go your way?
Go with the change, adapt and be better.
I've definitely gotten better this past year.
I made new friends and built relationships, but also lost some along the way.
I gave myself the time to grieve over a few things (probably a little too long in certain areas, sorry), but now...I'm ready.
I'm ready to start another chapter of my life and keep pushing myself to be better.
With effort comes results, no matter how small.
The results may not always be what you expect, but it's always what is best for you.

That's another phrase; "Best for you."
It seems so simple.
Do what is best for you.
Things work out for the best.
So on and so on.
It sucks, it really does.
How you accept it is how you're going to power through it.
For me, I said okay...I know I'm great and smart and wonderful and beautiful and wise.
I'm going to go with it and see what happens.
I needed a hero and strength, so that's what I started to be.
My own hero.
And guess what--I got through it!
I had to pull myself together, put my hair down, put my eyeliner and lipstick on and go.
It may not seem like that right now, but it will be okay if you believe it will be.
If you don't believe it, you'll never move on.
Moving on is tough and can really take grief and time to do it, but it's not impossible.
You can't change that past, but you can brighten your future.
People will start to see that growth--that spark and see how awesome you are.
Sometimes they'll think, "man, I let that go. I lost that."
Yep, they did.
It's okay and always will be.
There's no reason to be harsh about things, you just have to clear your mind and say, "I'm going to do it. Whatever it is and whatever it takes."
That is how you find what really is "best for you."

One of my mentors gave me a book as a gift from (finally) graduating from college.
The book was based off of a poem called, "the Dash."
Essentially, when you look at a gravestone, it has the year born, a dash and the year of passing.
That dash is everything in between.
The good and bad, tough and simple, difficult and easy.
It's all there in that dash.
What matters most is how we make it count.
Doing your best, trying your hardest and knocking through every obstacle that comes your way is making it count.
People will remember you for who you are, what you've done and how you lived.
There's no reason to keep putting these burdens and pressures on yourself.

When you can't see the sun behind the clouds, you know it's there.
Let it in and fill your heart.
You have to love yourself before you can let someone love you.
You have to power through the darkness to feel the light.
Today, I let go.
I let go to be free and happy and bright.
I let go because I know that nothing will change if I don't, no matter how much I want it to, and there's no reason to keep burdening myself with it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best:

"Finish each day and be done with. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

I set myself free of the pain, struggle, unnecessary hurt and grief to realize that I'm going to be okay.
The world hasn't stopped moving, my heart hasn't stopped beating and the sun hasn't stopped shining.
There will be moments when you feel like everything in your life is a chaotic mess, but just know that "it doesn't matter how slowly you go as long as you don't stop."
I woke up one day and thought, "I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be just fine."
And I am; I'm okay.
I'm outgrowing people, and that's okay.
I'm sitting in the moments--good and bad.
Finding a self sufficient joy is what I'm going for.
I'm looking for my sunshine again. 
Today, I don't feel alone. 
I'm going to mess up.
I'm going to feel moments of sadness and pain.
I'm going to have times where I want to lay on my couch, watch movies, eat mac and cheese and wear sweatpants.
But today, I feel the sun on my face and light in my soul.

One of my all time favorite artists, MØ released 'Final Song.'

She said that "‘Final Song’ is about reconnecting with your inner strength. With your inner glow, passion, spirit animal, whatever—the force that keeps us going and doing what we love...We all need to feel empowered from within to be the best version of ourself, but it’s not always easy and that’s what inspired me to write these lyrics. When you’re united with your inner glow you can beat the fears and fly towards your dreams."

I couldn't ask for something more empowering than this.
I'm regaining my strength and rediscovering who I am. 

"I'm stronger because I had to be, smarter because of my mistakes, happier because of the sadness I've been through and wiser because I've learned."

I am sunshine mixed with a little bit of hurricane.
I am a mess of gorgeous chaos who will never be dull.
I am flawless and beautiful.
It never hurts to keep looking for sunshine.
Even when you can't see it, it's always there.
The darker the night, the brighter the stars.
I am worth so much.
More than rubies and precious gems.
More than the pain and hurt that I've been through.
Because in the darkest hours, hope rains down.
This isn't my final song.

"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." -John Steinbeck

Path of Rediscovery: Part 1

This has been a long year so far and it's only halfway over.
Constant change.
Having to adjust to these changes.
My mom and dad have always joked around and said "things always happen in threes!"
I didn't believe that until I began noticing that it was true.
Things happen in threes.
Good and bad.

Lately, I've had a whopping 3 bad and 3 good.
Unfortunately, the bad just lasts for (what feels like) forever..
I tried to focus on positive things that were going on but I felt like I was being crushed by negative.
Things just kept happening and part of it made me sick.
One night I fell to the floor and just cried.
I kept asking God why these things kept happening and why I felt like everything kept falling apart.
After about an hour or so of constant sobbing and praying, I made it to my bed.
That next morning, I woke up different.
I woke up with clear eyes (minus the grogginess from the tears the night before) and hurting soul.

I laid in my bed for a little while and just stared at my ceiling.
I wished none of it had happened.
I hoped that I was in the daze of unreality.
What do I do now?
How do I move on?
Who am I?

What am I supposed to do?
I began to lose myself over the past few months and I'm paying for it.
Granted, I'm not blaming myself, I'm just saying that my surroundings and such were having such an affect on me that I forgot who I was.
It's silly, I know, but it happens.

So far, I've been doing everything I can to keep pushing.
I have this phrase that I've been telling myself and that I say to help boost myself up.
"Flawless."
Now, before you people freak out, I know I'm flaw-ful, not flawless.
It's just something that helps me think, "Girl, you're great. You are awesome and you are strong."
Some of my friends have seen this change in me.
So much that I'm pretty sure they get sick of me saying it.
(Sorry not sorry hahaha. Love youuuu)
In all honesty, it's really helped.
It's shown me that I truly am important and strong and that no matter what life is throwing at me, that I will find a way to push through.

This is by no means the end of this path.
In fact, it's barely starting.
Life doesn't stop and neither do I.




Because flawless.

Closer & Closer.

I found out a few days ago that I only need 3 classes to be able to graduate.
7 HOURS to graduate.
WHAT.
I'm in complete awe and excitement.
I came into the collegiate world with 0 hours and now I'm close to the finish line.
I'm not done yet, but I am motivated and pushing myself everyday to finish strong.
I just wanted to thank a few people for pushing me and supporting me.
I don't tell them enough and I'm so very grateful for them.

To my parents, Sandy & Kevin,
Mom. Dad. Thank you both. You never gave up on me and never will. I appreciate you dealing with me, answering my calls at all hours of the day and for pushing me. You helped me figure out a lot in my life and told me that once I put my mind to it, I would do it. And you were right (there, I said it). I love y'all.

To my siblings & brother-in-law,
You guys are the best. Kaleigh and Brandon, y'all have helped me figure a lot out about school and how to get to where my degree will take me. Cody & Maggie, y'all are the sweetest younger (because little isn't really applicable) brother and sister I could ask for. Even though we don't always see eye-to-eye, I wanted to show you that if I can do it, you can definitely do it. Keep pushing.

To my amazing, best(est) friends,
Y'all. I wouldn't have survived college life with out you all here. From the late night froyo to the outrageous Zumba times, I'm so grateful for y'all. Y'all have been there when my family wasn't able to be there (in physical sense...because 8 hours is forever away) and told me to suck it up and push through it. Y'all have been my shoulder and support and always will be. Love youuuuu. <3

To Dr. Stephenson,
Thank you so much. You've helped me figure a lot out when it comes to college. You made me get on that freaking plane and I'm so thankful for that. You made time for me just so we can talk about life and you're definitely someone I look up to. Thank you for all you've done. I'm sure you'll get an e-mail from me soon so we can chat. Thank you.

To those who told me I couldn't do it,
Thank you. You are one of the main reasons why I am still here. You are the ones who said I wasn't smart enough, good enough and would never do anything with my life. You doubted my ability to do this. Thanks for being that motivation. I just wanted to tell you, I'm here and I will finish.

I'm so close to being done and I'm pushing myself everyday to keep going. I'm going to finish and I'm going to finish strong.
I can't wait to have that degree in my hand and it's going to be awesome.

Anxieties.

There's something that I've wanted to talk about for a while.

Some already know about it and others haven't the slightest.

For those of you who already know, thank you for your support; it truly means a lot to me.

For those who don't know, I hope you take my perspective into account and choose to support me.

This isn't an easy thing to talk about, but I'm ready to take a step in this direction.

I have anxiety.  

According to my doctor, I have stress-induced anxiety.

For years, I knew that something about me was off. 

I wasn't able to handle certain things like my older sister or friends would and honestly, it was extremely frustrating.
They could hold their own and I was barely able to concentrate.

My mind was basically a big mess, and sometimes it still can be.

My anxiety has caused me problems in the past.

Mainly with school..

I would study for an exam and whenever I would go to take it, I would fall apart.

I would read the first couple of questions or instructions and my mind would blank, my heart would race, and I would start breathing extremely fast or cry; basically a panic attack.

It really hit when I came to college.

It wasn't terribly visible my first year but come my second year, I fell apart.

Almost to the point of completely dropping out of school.

It was awful.

After pushing through, miraculously, I ended up barely passing.

Over that summer, I talked to my parents and my boss about what was wrong with me (that's basically how I said it...) and we all came to the conclusion that I might have some kind of anxiety.

We didn't want to jump to conclusions, so I decided to see how that next semester would go and continue from there. 

That winter break, I went to see my doctor.

That was a rough day.

This doctor I've known for most of my life and after talking with him, he decided that putting me on some medicine would help me.

Terrified doesn't begin to describe what I felt.

Although I tried to keep a brave face, inside I was racing. 

After he explained what it would do, I was able to calm down and accept what he was saying.

To this day, I'm still on this medicine and that's another thing I want to hit on really quick.

Anxiety is defined as this: 

"a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease; typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome"

For the record, I'm not crazy or whatever word is associated with it. 

I'm human. 

I am a 21 year old woman who loves Jesus, her family, her friends, her boyfriend, and her life.

If you've known me for a good while, you can probably tell that I do.

I want to be extremely clear--anxiety does not define me. 

Yes, it is a part of me, but it is not me. 

This medicine that I've been taking has truly helped me. 

I'm able to take exams without completely breaking down.

I don't worry as much about certain things.

I'm also still working on myself.

I'm still trying to combat this.

It's a daily battle.

I'm working on becoming better.

I'm working on building my confidence.

I'm working on being lovely.

Anxiety doesn't define me.

It will never define me. 

Keep Going.

A few days ago, I received news that no one ever wants to hear.
Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've gotten news like this.
Since my freshman year of college, this is the second time.
If you haven't been able to guess, yes...a family member of mine is very sick and isn't expected to be with us much longer.

I've taken the past few days to think, collect and prepare myself.
No one is ever really ready for stuff like this.
Even if you claim to be, you never are.

I'll say it like it is: this sucks.
Someone whom I have a connection with isn't going to be on this physical planet much longer.
Someone who has influenced me and supported my reasoning behind certain things isn't going to be able to watch me pursue my dream.
It's something we all experience at one point or another, but it will always hurt.
It will always make you ask questions and yell and scream into oblivion.
It'll make you ask "Why is this happening?!", and you become so overwhelmed you can't think straight.
I'm guilty of doing this.
I honestly don't know what to say.
I'm at a loss for words and my thoughts are still a bit out of control.

The thing that's hard for me is that we all were expecting this from the recent diagnosis, but we weren't expecting the time frame of it.
We've known for a little while that it wasn't good, but now, it's evident.
My heart is in pain, confusion, and is trying to process everything.
No one expects things like this to happen so suddenly.
All I can do right now is just be thankful for the time I had with them, keep praying and staying strong.

I personally feel that music, sleep, and jotting down my thoughts is something I can do to keep my feet steady.
The day I found out, I got back to my room and crawled in my bed, just praying and crying to the point of exhaustion.
My blog posts and journal are a way that I write down all these feelings and thoughts to help me sort them out.
Some of the music that I've been listening to is:
-Anchor by Mindy Gledhill
-Neptune by Sleeping at Last
-the entire Oceans EP by Sleeping at Last
-Thistle and Weeds by Mumford & Sons
-Like the Dawn by The Oh Hello's
-Dein Herz trägt Felsen by Eva Croissant
-But you can enjoy life before and after, by Weaver at the Loom

Although I'll never be fully prepared, for now, I'm going to do my best to be strong for my family and for my sake.
The good Lord will take her when He is ready to; I pray that he helps us to be at peace when it comes and to be joyous for the time we've had with her.


Update:
Unfortunately, she didn't make it.
Pamela passed on June 20, 2014 at 6:30 a.m.
May the Lord watch over our family, her friends, and the people she affected.
We love you.

Believe.

In one of our staff meetings, our boss had us write down "Believe Statements".
What they are are basically exactly what it says; you write things you believe in.
Ironically, I've done something similar like this before, so I was familiar with the concept.
My boss had picked us each out separate, page long statement that he thought would relate to us.
The statement I was given fit me pretty well.
The overall statement said this:

“So I believe in treating strangers like family. I believe in making people feel comfortable. No one should have to feel isolated or alone when they walk into a room full of strangers, and in New Orleans, no one does.”

Granted, I'm a Texas gal and everything applied, except the New Orleans part.
I feel like if we don't treat people kindly, that it reflects us badly and makes them feel rejected or that something is wrong with them.
This statement also falls under one of my strengths: Includer.
What that means is to stretch the circle wider so everyone can be included.
Seeing the sight of someone being left out hurts me and I try my absolute best to include as many people as possible.
We are all equally important and no one should be ignored.
Each of us should be included because it is the least we all deserve.

After we finished reading ours, he had us write a believe statement of our own.
At first, I had ask myself what I believed.
I mean, I know what I believe, but describing it is quite difficult.

So this is what I wrote for my 'first' believe statement:

"I believe in grace. I believe in having faith. Not only in Christ, but in myself. I believe that hardship, struggle, and pain make us who we are. We’re all different and that, I’m thankful for. Psalm 139:14, my favorite verse, explains each of us perfectly. I believe that if you have faith in (both God and) yourself, that things are going to be just fine. Just because you’re give a bad hand doesn’t been you’re going to lose. By believing in grace, we are given many days to show love to others. I believe in love. Love for yourself and for others. If you can’t bring yourself to love yourself, you can’t fully love others. I believe in love, grace, faith, God, others, and myself. I believe in happiness. Happiness is earned, not bought. I believe in these because it helps shape us into we are meant to be. We are lovely and we are loved."

I could definitely expand on this, but I think this is a good start.

The Unsaid Thank You's.

"Thank you" is one of the most wonderful phrases, but I often feel I don't say it enough.
There are a few certain people who I feel need to hear this phrase more than I say it.

Mom and Dad:
Thank you for believing in me.
You give me the hope, strength, perseverance, and stability I need to make it through each day.
You both have taught me that it's okay to fail as long as I don't give up.
You guys have also shown me that it's okay to be me.
Even through my phases, you still chose to believe in me and I can't thank you enough for that.
Thank you for showing me Jesus; it's truly the best gift you could have ever given me.
You sure raised this girl right and never think otherwise.

Kaleigh, Cody, and Maggie:
Thanks for being family.
I know we didn't choose each other, but we were definitely meant to be together.
You three have given me tons of laughter and a few tears along the way and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Each of you play a big role in my life and I would never trade it.
Thanks for being you.

To the rest of my family:
Thank you for sticking with me and supporting me.
There are times when we can't stand each other, but we never back down from the challenge and find our way back.
Thanks for being family.
I couldn't ask for a better family.

To my friends:
You guys.......you mean the world to me.
You are my support and bulwark.
Whenever I need help, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to make me laugh, I know I can count on you.
Thanks for being the anchor I need when the waves get crazy.

God:
Thank you is far from what you deserve.
Your unending grace and love shelters me when I think I can't do it anymore.
Thank you for being my anchor and for giving me such a beautiful life.
Thank you for my family and my friends, they truly are one of the biggest blessings.
Thank you for letting me go to the best university in the world and for helping me stick with it...even when I don't want to.
Thank you for giving me a wonderful family and amazing friends.
I can see your light through them and together, I feel like they can help me conquer anything that comes my way.
Even when things get dark, your light is there.
Your timing on everything is perfect, even when I don't see it at first.
Thank you for guiding me and helping me to not be afraid.
And lastly, thank you for making me the way that I am: fearful and wonderful.

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is such a strong word.
It's such a hard thing to do as well.
There comes a time where you become so hurt, you feel like you can never forgive.
And on the opposite of that, there are so many times we feel like we don't deserve forgiveness.
You think about the past and what lead you to where you are, I know I do often.
I become so lost in the things I've done and what I wished I would've done different, but it's all done.
There's nothing I can really do.

Forgiving sounds easy, right?
All you have to do is go up to that person and say, "Hey, I'm really sorry for A, B, and C. Can you forgive me?"
Yeah, I think it all out in my head that way, but it usually turns into me stuttering for five minutes and finally either giving up or saying something along the lines of, "I'm not perfect, I messed up, and you should forgive me."
NO; I can't keep doing that to myself because I feel so much worse.
I have to process things before I can move on.
If something major happens in my life, I have to sit down, think about it, and figure out what the heck I'm going to do.
I get in this phase of trying to figure out what I could do to be the "good friend who never screws up" but honestly, no such thing exists.
Imperfections surround my life and sometimes, I get lost in them.
I screw up often and definitely don't always make it right.
I get to the point of where I don't feel like someone could forgive me.
And on the other hand, I don't always want to forgive someone who's done me wrong.
It doesn't really seem fair because they're the ones who messed up and should be down at my feet, begging for me to forgive them.
That's not okay.
When did this perception get so screwed up?
Was it because of what they did or is it because I made it seem worse than it really is?
This seems so silly.

Another hard part of forgiving is the part where you let go and forget it.
Now, some say you never want to forget what you forgave them for, and that may be the case, but for me...
Why hold onto something that's been forgiven?
If you fully forgive them and they're completely sincere, why hold onto that baggage?
It's just going to drag you down.
There's been times where I don't want to forgive someone because they've done something that's hurt me so deep that it's almost impossible to let go of....but that moment that you let go of it, that feeling....being completely free of that hurt or guilt, that's what makes it worth it.
Letting go and moving on from it is so beautiful.
You feel different; inside and out.
Isn't it worth it?

“Alles ist seinen Preis wert.”

"All things are worth their price."

How amazing is that?

Isn't it worth it?

Letting go.

Moving on.

Being free of these burdens.

Forgiving those who've hurt you.

Asking ones you've hurt for their forgiveness.

It's worth it.

Seeing Yourself.

Today, I wanted to challenge myself.
I'm going to start by saying that it was not easy.
At all.
I challenged myself with not looking into a mirror, or my reflection in general, for a day.

You'd think that this would be easy because you don't have to look up.
False.
For anyone who has ever tried putting on make-up without a mirror has an idea...
That was kind of difficult, but alas, I did it!
Anywho, my reasoning:
I wanted to do this because I feel like I spend so much time looking at what I look like.
We never really think about it, but it's natural to look at yourself.
It's part of our daily routine.
Pushing myself to not look in the mirror was hard.
I had to remind myself every time I went somewhere to not look at my reflection.
So much of the time we scream, "Look! Notice me!" inside that we let it take over us.
I'm just as guilty as anyone.
And this....this kicked my butt.
Especially when my new glasses came in the mail...I couldn't look at myself in them.
I had to wait!

It made me think about myself; what I look like on the inside, what God was doing in my life, and how I was changing and what I needed to change.
It was a huge wake-up call, and a very rude one at that.
I spend so much time thinking about how I look to other people instead of looking at what I do for other people.
After going all day without looking into a mirror, I saw something a little different.
I felt like I saw someone else.
I did.
As strange as it sounds, I saw me.
I looked at my features and saw something good; something positive.
I didn't directly point out my flaws.
I could see my green eyes, my crazy, curly hair, my pearl teeth, and perfectly pink cheeks.
These are things I've always looked at, but never really saw.
I could always find something wrong with me.
After this, I told myself that I'm going to do my best to look at me.
Saying this to myself was obviously very hard.
I spend so much of the time that I look at myself, finding something about myself to hate.
Why?
So I can tell people how much I dislike a part of me and they can make me feel better.
Yeah, I'll admit to doing it every now and again.
I highly doubt you can deny doing the same.
We spend so much time putting ourselves down.
We pick out every single flaw we have and focus all of our attention on it.
All of our energy goes into disliking things about ourselves.
My all time favorite verse is Psalm 139:14;

“I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

How beautiful is that?
Going from that, in Isaiah 12: 5 it says;

“Sing to the Lord, for he has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world.”

Let the world know of his grace and his glory.

The joy I've gotten from this has made me dance and sing.
I'm promising myself, right here, that I'm going to do my absolute best to change my attitudes about the way I look.
It's not going to be easy.
In fact, it's going to be extremely hard, but I can do it.
With my friends and family to support me and Christ walking with me, I have no doubt in my heart that I can do this.

So here I go.

Testimonials.

I know I've mentioned this in the past, but today marks an important day for me.
Three years ago, I made a promise to myself to get better.
Three years ago marks the day I quit being anorexic.
And after being that way for years, I thought it was impossible.
Even though it was hard, I did it.
For people who have never gone through something like this, a promise like this is difficult to keep.
Making this promise was one of the best decisions
Anywho, I decided to have a little fun today.
I don't want to dwell on what was.
I'm moving on with my life.
I've grown in so many ways, I don't even know where to start.
As for the fun.....
with a little bit of help from a friend......
well.....
I'll just leave a few of these here. :)



What?!
I can't help it....
I love smiling.
I love pictures.
I love capturing and seeing happiness and growth.

"She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her."
-Proverbs 3:15

"Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure."
-Psalm 16:9

"Lust not after her beauty in your heart; neither let her take you with her eyelids."
-Proverbs 6:25

"For you are our glory and joy."
-1 Thessalonians 2:20

When I look at these pictures, I don't see what was.

I don't see the hurt and the pain that I put myself through.

I see happiness, joy, and the love of being alive each day.

I am seeing myself fearfully and wonderfully made.

I can see that now.
The reason I see write all these things is to show my life and my testimony; to show someone else that it's okay to be afraid, but not to let it stop you.
Be fearful.
Shine.
Dance.
Sing.
Show the world who you are and what you have to offer.

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
-Proverbs 31:30

The lovely friend of mine who took these pictures: http://psalm121aggierider.wordpress.com/

Majors.

When I tell people that I'm studying History, there are usually 3 statements people ask or tell me:
              1) What are you going to do with that?
              2) Oh, you're a Liberal Arts major....
              3) That sounds so easy! You're going to college for that?

In all honesty, it gets old.
I know a lot of people are curious about what I want to do, and that's completely fine with me.
What makes me upset is that 2nd and 3rd statements....
It's not a particular department or major, but rather as a whole, including myself.
Almost everyone says or has said something negative about another major.
Stop, just stop.
Seriously.
Every major, department, and college is different.
Everyone is different (obviously) and the more you say negative things about their college or major, a few things could happen.
They could feel like their major isn't as good as another.
Even though they love their major, they sometimes change it just to fit into the crowd.
I can say from experience that I have thought about changing my major to something harder just to impress and fit into this crowd.
Wrong.
I am still a History major, and unless God changes that, I WILL major in that.
It's really one of those things of, "if you've never been through it, you don't know".
If you've never been through certain courses of certain majors, you have no idea what it's like.
I'm also saying this in context of not just you're course requirements.
Taking one or two English, History, Math, Science, or etc. for course requirements is completely different.
People who study each of these things face different challenges.
I can state as fact that I face obstacles that are opposite of engineering majors, business majors, and etc.

I also want to state that I respect every single department and every single person with a major the same and different than me.
I don't know how you handle the courses and work you do, but I want you to soar and do what YOU love.
If your major pleases you and you love it, GO FOR IT.
Do what you love, not what is pleasing to others.
God has you there for a reason.
Even though you may not know what it is, follow it and He'll guide you.


"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" -Jeremiah 29:11

"...for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure." -Philippians 2:13 

"The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

Onward

Another year in the books.
Finally.
People talk about resolutions they want to make and leaves they want to turn, but me....well, I have to disagree with the thought.
Yes, there are things that I want to change and do better, but it shouldn't be JUST the new year that is going to make it happen.
It seems quite silly actually.
We just give the excuse, "It's a fresh start which means a new and fresh me."
As odd as it may seem, it just doesn't "start over".
There is no 2012 again....ever.
It's gone.
You can't "start over" and try the year over again.
You just have to start with an open mind, but.......
I go to the fact that God doesn't start over on us; he NEVER gives up on us.
I can assure you that I had MANY times this year where I just wanted to say, "Forget it. I give up."
In some cases, I did.
It's funny because obviously even though I said it, I didn't.
So I say to this, I will welcome the things that are headed my way.
Good and bad.
I'm sticking with it.
I'm prepared for the hurt that I'm going to feel.
I'm ready for the successes I will accomplish.
I have my mind set on the goals that I have to tackle and I won't stop fighting for them.
I'm embracing 2013 with open arms and giving 2012 a kiss goodbye.
Thanks and Gig 'em.









I do, before I go, want to show a few of my favorite moments from this year.
Showing them and seeing them makes me smile.

Mission 'X' carried out by the boys <3 

Team Toothless.

many baking adventures.

The Rocket Summer! <3

saving my baby girl, 

and watching her grow. :3

© E. Stevens Photography 2012

watching my sister fall in love and get engaged to the man of her dreams.

even though it's silly, I got a reply from one of the biggest inspirations I have! :D

becoming an RA and having an awesome, kick-butt staff. ;)

sassy.

meeting this awesome guy-whatadayderek. ;)

best friends who find ways to make you melt <3

watching my Ags, and finding some of my favorite people in random places.

going to Songfest with Kelsie... ;)

meeting Aaron Gillespie.

going to Costa Rica....kicking and screaming. :)

having my own Skype concert with one of my absolute favorite artists, Austin Nivarel.

having a best friend who has been there for you and always will be.

and lastly, for growing.

Thanks for sticking with me and helping me realize that I can do this.

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."   -Psalm 16:11

Fear.

Like most people, I fear a lot of things.
Irrational and rational.
My biggest one is failure.
I know a lot of people who have this fear, but I hate admitting that I do.
I have a fear of failure.
If one thing messes up, I feel like everything is messed up.
Well, I've done a lot of thinking about this.
Failure is a part of life, obviously.
After everything that's happened this past semester, it hit me in the face yesterday.
I messed up.
I failed.
It was right in front of me and I can't go back and fix it.
Seems a little intense right?
I felt like I could somehow pull it off, but I saw that I didn't.
Did it hurt? 

Crushing is what it is.
After crying and moping around for a few hours, I realized I needed to rethink what I'm doing;
"Is this really for me?" "Is this what I want to do?"
The biggest out of the many questions I was asking myself was, "Is this the path that God is wanting me to go down?"
I'm scared, no, petrified.
I don't know what God is wanting me to do or where He is wanting me to go.
Especially after what I realized yesterday, I'm really lost.
There have been so many times that I've wanted to just give up and call it quits, but I think this time was the biggest.
I kept telling myself that I am nothing more than an average person with average grades in an average life.
I have fought that off for so long and yesterday it took a toll on me.
I realized that I'm not average, I'm not like anyone else, and I have to figure what in the heck is going on.
It's not going to be easy.
If it was meant to be easy, God would've put wings on my back and let me do whatever.
Instead, He is going to direct me somewhere else and help get me back to where I need to be.

"One of the greatest discoveries a person makes, one of their great surprises, is to find they can do what they were afraid they couldn't do." -Henry Ford

"Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." -Winston Churchill

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius

"I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back." -Abraham Lincoln

"All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney

We all have times in our life where we are going to fail.
One of mine is now.
Getting up from this isn't going to be easy, but whatever it takes, I will get back to where I need to be, and I will soar.

"He gives strength to weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." -Isaiah 40:29-31

The Sun Will Shine Tomorrow.

There are days where I just don't feel like I can make it.
Things get in the way and I don't want to mess with it.
I just get in this funk to where nothing I say or do makes a difference.
It's pretty odd.
There is one thing I do remember getting told when I was young;
"Smile Sally, the Sun will shine tomorrow."
I try to keep this in my head when things aren't going great.
I try to remember that this is true.
The Sun will shine tomorrow.
Another day will come and go.
It's the way life is.
We have good days.
We have bad days.
We have days that feel to never end.
We have days that slip through our fingers.

Things don't exactly go our way.
We can plan out every detail, but somehow it will never cease to amaze me how it all works out in the end.
We feel like we have everything so planned out.
Detail by detail, we fill our days with so many things.
It gets old.
The same routine at a never-changing pace.
Why can't we just stop?
Why do we keep going around in these circles?
The past few weeks have felt like no matter how hard I would work, I would always end up short.
No matter how hard I would push myself, it wasn't good enough.
Regardless of everything I do, I can't pass that line of "success".
Is it just me?
I mean, I try to keep positive, but it just gets so old.
Having to tell yourself multiple times that "you can do this" doesn't have much of an effect on me.
It just gets my hopes up half the time.

I'm really good at keeping this "happy" face on.
When things are really, just absolutely terribly, I can usually hid it.
People usually know somethings up, but I just ignore it which make them forget about it too.
It's one of the many things I can do pretty well.
I feel like if I help others with what is going on in their life, then I can sort mine out.
Obviously, that's a really stupid thing to do, but I hate focusing so much attention on myself.
Psalm 68:19-20 really hit me in the face the other day.
It says:
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death."
WHAT.
Like, seriously?!
I read this and broke down.
How stupid am I?
I keep piling all these things on ME.
I keep hurting ME.
I try to do this by MYSELF.
He carries us through anything, we just have to ask him.
He makes each day something different in some way.
Even when it doesn't go our way, he makes it work out in the end.
He will make the Sun shine tomorrow.

No matter what gets thrown on your plate, I will tell you the same thing I was told and finally realized, "the Sun will shine tomorrow."

Wings Like Eagles.

"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:31

Waiting is a hard word for me.
Patience is one of those words that I don't like to hear or say.
Why? Well, it feels impossible for me to do it.
It's like being quiet--I'm not very good at it.
Especially when I get excited about something.
This verse in particular is near to my heart for a few reasons.
When I think of eagles, I think of my grandpa.
He had an obsession with them.
From paintings to statues, he had a plethora.
Sometimes they would stare at you, which was a little creepy.
Can you imagine hundreds of eyes of majesty STARING at you?
Ya know, it's been 10 years since I got to hear his voice.
That's a long time.
I know I talk about him a lot.
I mean, the man taught me how to weld when I was 6.
Of course he was holding my hands and made sure I didn't get any sparks on me.
How would he explain that to my parents if he had?
"Well, sparks flew EVERYWHERE. It was only a matter of time."
Lately, things like this have been on my mind a lot.
I guess it's just time to finally say some things about people I won't get to see for a long while.
Gramps, of course, was my best friend.
From the tapioca races at Furr's to watching hot air balloons take off in October.
I loved every moment.
He passed away August 14, 2002.

Another person who meant a lot to me was my Uncle Robert.
He's a little harder for me to talk about.
He always managed to find a way to make me laugh.
He had such an odd sense of humor.
Even though he graduated from Tech, I was still one of his biggest fans.
Seeing the joy in my grandma's and dad's faces when he walked across the stage was priceless.
Yes, I still have the bear he gave me that day, and yes, it DOES have a Tech sweater on it.
Sue me!
He also had this metal thing of people that you could stack them as high as they would balance.
He told me that without the metal base, they were worthless.
Like how we are without Jesus.
He always had a soft spot for me.
He pushed me to not care what people thought and to do what made me happy.
He passed away September 13, 2011.
I can remember that entire day.
I called my mom to ask her how everything was going and she asked me if I was able to sit down.
When she told me that he was sick the previous week, I couldn't stand.
The moment of dead silence was harder than the words.
I went back to my room and just sat there for at least an hour.
The bear was on my bed and I grabbed it, held it tight, and went to sleep.
Call me emotional, I don't care.
I was so numb that day.

You probably are asking yourself why in the world I'm typing this entire story.
Well, it's almost been a year since then, and I've barely been able to finally come to terms that some things can't be changed.
You can wish them away all you want, but they'll still be there when you turn around.
I think about these two everyday.
I even think about what if they were still here.
Crazy things come to mind.
I know that I will be able to walk with them once again, it just may be a while.
Thinking about that day brings me tears.
I smile and know that with all sadness is a God who can give me rest.
In Matthew 11:28, He says, "Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Along with that, He tells us in Isaiah 41:13, "For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying unto you, 'Fear not; I will help you.'"
How great is that?
That is what got me through the times where I just wanted to fall to pieces.
He will put us on wings like eagles, renew us, and help us.
I have no words.

Psalms.

Psalms is hands down my favorite book of the Bible.
It may be the longest, but it's well worth it.
Every verse I read can apply to my life in some sort of fashion.
Psalm 139:14 is my life verse.
"I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Every time I read that verse, I smile.
I AM fearfully and wonderfully made by Gods standards.
He created me in this image, and I have to do everything I can to be the best Shelby I can be.
His works are SO wonderful.
They touch and mold my life into what it's meant to be.
I know they are.
He has put me in a certain place for a certain reason.
I haven't exactly figured everything out and I probably never will, but I know for a fact that all the things that he is doing in my life right at this moment will forever be here and work out to show me things that I will eventually understand.
"My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge."
Psalm 62:7 explains so much for me.
If it wasn't for him, where would I be?
Everything I know, lived for, and will continue to live for, is God.
He made my past the way it is.
Everything in it happened for a reason.
He holds my future.
He holds my life in His mighty hands.
My life is built on Him.
He is where I turn to when I can't handle anything.
He is where I look to when everything is stress-free.
In Psalm 46, He says to be still and know that He is God.
He wants us to never forget who he is.
He is our God.
There is no other.
He created us in such an awesome imagine.
For He is my God, whom shall I fear?

I know I say this all too much, but I honestly don't know how I could live without Him.
He's given me so much and I take it for granted.
"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." -Psalm 90:12
I usually end up asking myself questions.
"Why am I so ignorant?"
"Why can't things be different?"
"Why did these things happen to me?"
"When will this happen?"
"Can you hear me?"
The last question is one I say the most often.
Sometimes it feels like I'm talking to a ceiling or my steering wheel.
Yeah, it's silly, but it's the truth.
I end up yelling at inanimate objects and looking like a huge lunatic.
I've come to the realization that yes, I am a little bit crazy and that I'm okay with it.
I know that regardless of what I say, He hears me even when I think otherwise.
Psalm 73:25-28.
Holy bananas.
Can you believe that?
I will fail, that's just it!
I stay near You and take refuge in You, You will protect me.
You are my refuge and I will tell the world of Your works.
I am so unworthy of His mercy and grace but He gives it to me.
People may get sick of hearing that saying, but my heart will continue to shout it with joy.

Psalm 113.
Praise the Lord.

The Days That Slow Down.

Some days just seem to drag on forever.

Others pass by before I can grasp what's going on.
The older we get, the faster time slips through my fingers.
Looking back at the things that I've done and what I've been through is kind of difficult to grasp.
I'm very nostalgic (if you haven't noticed).
I really can't help it.
I love remembering things.
It's kind of like a game for me.
I put the pieces together.
If something doesn't feel right or someone tells me something different, I try to put it together and figure out what's REALLY going on.

I keep focused on what matters.
If it doesn't jump out at me or affect me in some way, then I'm not going to worry about it.
That's why days go faster.
I try to put my attention on the "now" and process it.
Kind of like a memory card...minus the "erase" option.
Looking through old pictures and things of the sort, I don't know whether to be happy or thankful.
Or both for that matter.

I have those times where I remember those days and smile about it.
I also have those moments where I wish I had an "erase" button to completely forget it ever happened.

No matter how hard I seemed to try, I always remember.
The reason why?
Well, it impacted me.
Just because I don't like what happened doesn't mean I forget it.
Bad pieces remind me why I am the way I am.
I know I say that [previous] phrase all too often, but it's true.

I wouldn't be the same without it.
Dragging days are just part of life.
I seem to face them all to often, or so I feel like I do.
Take joy in the days that aren't so great.
Take joy in the moments where time feels like time is going to slow.
He gives us each of those moments.
We need to make the most of them.
Time will pass, days will feel like weeks, and things won't ever be completely the way you think, but I can promise that if you begin to focus on what God is doing, you will make the most of everyday.
He's no father time; He IS the Father of ALL.