Onward

Another year in the books.
Finally.
People talk about resolutions they want to make and leaves they want to turn, but me....well, I have to disagree with the thought.
Yes, there are things that I want to change and do better, but it shouldn't be JUST the new year that is going to make it happen.
It seems quite silly actually.
We just give the excuse, "It's a fresh start which means a new and fresh me."
As odd as it may seem, it just doesn't "start over".
There is no 2012 again....ever.
It's gone.
You can't "start over" and try the year over again.
You just have to start with an open mind, but.......
I go to the fact that God doesn't start over on us; he NEVER gives up on us.
I can assure you that I had MANY times this year where I just wanted to say, "Forget it. I give up."
In some cases, I did.
It's funny because obviously even though I said it, I didn't.
So I say to this, I will welcome the things that are headed my way.
Good and bad.
I'm sticking with it.
I'm prepared for the hurt that I'm going to feel.
I'm ready for the successes I will accomplish.
I have my mind set on the goals that I have to tackle and I won't stop fighting for them.
I'm embracing 2013 with open arms and giving 2012 a kiss goodbye.
Thanks and Gig 'em.









I do, before I go, want to show a few of my favorite moments from this year.
Showing them and seeing them makes me smile.

Mission 'X' carried out by the boys <3 

Team Toothless.

many baking adventures.

The Rocket Summer! <3

saving my baby girl, 

and watching her grow. :3

© E. Stevens Photography 2012

watching my sister fall in love and get engaged to the man of her dreams.

even though it's silly, I got a reply from one of the biggest inspirations I have! :D

becoming an RA and having an awesome, kick-butt staff. ;)

sassy.

meeting this awesome guy-whatadayderek. ;)

best friends who find ways to make you melt <3

watching my Ags, and finding some of my favorite people in random places.

going to Songfest with Kelsie... ;)

meeting Aaron Gillespie.

going to Costa Rica....kicking and screaming. :)

having my own Skype concert with one of my absolute favorite artists, Austin Nivarel.

having a best friend who has been there for you and always will be.

and lastly, for growing.

Thanks for sticking with me and helping me realize that I can do this.

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."   -Psalm 16:11

Fear.

Like most people, I fear a lot of things.
Irrational and rational.
My biggest one is failure.
I know a lot of people who have this fear, but I hate admitting that I do.
I have a fear of failure.
If one thing messes up, I feel like everything is messed up.
Well, I've done a lot of thinking about this.
Failure is a part of life, obviously.
After everything that's happened this past semester, it hit me in the face yesterday.
I messed up.
I failed.
It was right in front of me and I can't go back and fix it.
Seems a little intense right?
I felt like I could somehow pull it off, but I saw that I didn't.
Did it hurt? 

Crushing is what it is.
After crying and moping around for a few hours, I realized I needed to rethink what I'm doing;
"Is this really for me?" "Is this what I want to do?"
The biggest out of the many questions I was asking myself was, "Is this the path that God is wanting me to go down?"
I'm scared, no, petrified.
I don't know what God is wanting me to do or where He is wanting me to go.
Especially after what I realized yesterday, I'm really lost.
There have been so many times that I've wanted to just give up and call it quits, but I think this time was the biggest.
I kept telling myself that I am nothing more than an average person with average grades in an average life.
I have fought that off for so long and yesterday it took a toll on me.
I realized that I'm not average, I'm not like anyone else, and I have to figure what in the heck is going on.
It's not going to be easy.
If it was meant to be easy, God would've put wings on my back and let me do whatever.
Instead, He is going to direct me somewhere else and help get me back to where I need to be.

"One of the greatest discoveries a person makes, one of their great surprises, is to find they can do what they were afraid they couldn't do." -Henry Ford

"Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." -Winston Churchill

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius

"I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back." -Abraham Lincoln

"All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney

We all have times in our life where we are going to fail.
One of mine is now.
Getting up from this isn't going to be easy, but whatever it takes, I will get back to where I need to be, and I will soar.

"He gives strength to weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." -Isaiah 40:29-31

The Sun Will Shine Tomorrow.

There are days where I just don't feel like I can make it.
Things get in the way and I don't want to mess with it.
I just get in this funk to where nothing I say or do makes a difference.
It's pretty odd.
There is one thing I do remember getting told when I was young;
"Smile Sally, the Sun will shine tomorrow."
I try to keep this in my head when things aren't going great.
I try to remember that this is true.
The Sun will shine tomorrow.
Another day will come and go.
It's the way life is.
We have good days.
We have bad days.
We have days that feel to never end.
We have days that slip through our fingers.

Things don't exactly go our way.
We can plan out every detail, but somehow it will never cease to amaze me how it all works out in the end.
We feel like we have everything so planned out.
Detail by detail, we fill our days with so many things.
It gets old.
The same routine at a never-changing pace.
Why can't we just stop?
Why do we keep going around in these circles?
The past few weeks have felt like no matter how hard I would work, I would always end up short.
No matter how hard I would push myself, it wasn't good enough.
Regardless of everything I do, I can't pass that line of "success".
Is it just me?
I mean, I try to keep positive, but it just gets so old.
Having to tell yourself multiple times that "you can do this" doesn't have much of an effect on me.
It just gets my hopes up half the time.

I'm really good at keeping this "happy" face on.
When things are really, just absolutely terribly, I can usually hid it.
People usually know somethings up, but I just ignore it which make them forget about it too.
It's one of the many things I can do pretty well.
I feel like if I help others with what is going on in their life, then I can sort mine out.
Obviously, that's a really stupid thing to do, but I hate focusing so much attention on myself.
Psalm 68:19-20 really hit me in the face the other day.
It says:
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death."
WHAT.
Like, seriously?!
I read this and broke down.
How stupid am I?
I keep piling all these things on ME.
I keep hurting ME.
I try to do this by MYSELF.
He carries us through anything, we just have to ask him.
He makes each day something different in some way.
Even when it doesn't go our way, he makes it work out in the end.
He will make the Sun shine tomorrow.

No matter what gets thrown on your plate, I will tell you the same thing I was told and finally realized, "the Sun will shine tomorrow."

Wings Like Eagles.

"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:31

Waiting is a hard word for me.
Patience is one of those words that I don't like to hear or say.
Why? Well, it feels impossible for me to do it.
It's like being quiet--I'm not very good at it.
Especially when I get excited about something.
This verse in particular is near to my heart for a few reasons.
When I think of eagles, I think of my grandpa.
He had an obsession with them.
From paintings to statues, he had a plethora.
Sometimes they would stare at you, which was a little creepy.
Can you imagine hundreds of eyes of majesty STARING at you?
Ya know, it's been 10 years since I got to hear his voice.
That's a long time.
I know I talk about him a lot.
I mean, the man taught me how to weld when I was 6.
Of course he was holding my hands and made sure I didn't get any sparks on me.
How would he explain that to my parents if he had?
"Well, sparks flew EVERYWHERE. It was only a matter of time."
Lately, things like this have been on my mind a lot.
I guess it's just time to finally say some things about people I won't get to see for a long while.
Gramps, of course, was my best friend.
From the tapioca races at Furr's to watching hot air balloons take off in October.
I loved every moment.
He passed away August 14, 2002.

Another person who meant a lot to me was my Uncle Robert.
He's a little harder for me to talk about.
He always managed to find a way to make me laugh.
He had such an odd sense of humor.
Even though he graduated from Tech, I was still one of his biggest fans.
Seeing the joy in my grandma's and dad's faces when he walked across the stage was priceless.
Yes, I still have the bear he gave me that day, and yes, it DOES have a Tech sweater on it.
Sue me!
He also had this metal thing of people that you could stack them as high as they would balance.
He told me that without the metal base, they were worthless.
Like how we are without Jesus.
He always had a soft spot for me.
He pushed me to not care what people thought and to do what made me happy.
He passed away September 13, 2011.
I can remember that entire day.
I called my mom to ask her how everything was going and she asked me if I was able to sit down.
When she told me that he was sick the previous week, I couldn't stand.
The moment of dead silence was harder than the words.
I went back to my room and just sat there for at least an hour.
The bear was on my bed and I grabbed it, held it tight, and went to sleep.
Call me emotional, I don't care.
I was so numb that day.

You probably are asking yourself why in the world I'm typing this entire story.
Well, it's almost been a year since then, and I've barely been able to finally come to terms that some things can't be changed.
You can wish them away all you want, but they'll still be there when you turn around.
I think about these two everyday.
I even think about what if they were still here.
Crazy things come to mind.
I know that I will be able to walk with them once again, it just may be a while.
Thinking about that day brings me tears.
I smile and know that with all sadness is a God who can give me rest.
In Matthew 11:28, He says, "Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Along with that, He tells us in Isaiah 41:13, "For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying unto you, 'Fear not; I will help you.'"
How great is that?
That is what got me through the times where I just wanted to fall to pieces.
He will put us on wings like eagles, renew us, and help us.
I have no words.

Psalms.

Psalms is hands down my favorite book of the Bible.
It may be the longest, but it's well worth it.
Every verse I read can apply to my life in some sort of fashion.
Psalm 139:14 is my life verse.
"I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Every time I read that verse, I smile.
I AM fearfully and wonderfully made by Gods standards.
He created me in this image, and I have to do everything I can to be the best Shelby I can be.
His works are SO wonderful.
They touch and mold my life into what it's meant to be.
I know they are.
He has put me in a certain place for a certain reason.
I haven't exactly figured everything out and I probably never will, but I know for a fact that all the things that he is doing in my life right at this moment will forever be here and work out to show me things that I will eventually understand.
"My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge."
Psalm 62:7 explains so much for me.
If it wasn't for him, where would I be?
Everything I know, lived for, and will continue to live for, is God.
He made my past the way it is.
Everything in it happened for a reason.
He holds my future.
He holds my life in His mighty hands.
My life is built on Him.
He is where I turn to when I can't handle anything.
He is where I look to when everything is stress-free.
In Psalm 46, He says to be still and know that He is God.
He wants us to never forget who he is.
He is our God.
There is no other.
He created us in such an awesome imagine.
For He is my God, whom shall I fear?

I know I say this all too much, but I honestly don't know how I could live without Him.
He's given me so much and I take it for granted.
"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." -Psalm 90:12
I usually end up asking myself questions.
"Why am I so ignorant?"
"Why can't things be different?"
"Why did these things happen to me?"
"When will this happen?"
"Can you hear me?"
The last question is one I say the most often.
Sometimes it feels like I'm talking to a ceiling or my steering wheel.
Yeah, it's silly, but it's the truth.
I end up yelling at inanimate objects and looking like a huge lunatic.
I've come to the realization that yes, I am a little bit crazy and that I'm okay with it.
I know that regardless of what I say, He hears me even when I think otherwise.
Psalm 73:25-28.
Holy bananas.
Can you believe that?
I will fail, that's just it!
I stay near You and take refuge in You, You will protect me.
You are my refuge and I will tell the world of Your works.
I am so unworthy of His mercy and grace but He gives it to me.
People may get sick of hearing that saying, but my heart will continue to shout it with joy.

Psalm 113.
Praise the Lord.

The Days That Slow Down.

Some days just seem to drag on forever.

Others pass by before I can grasp what's going on.
The older we get, the faster time slips through my fingers.
Looking back at the things that I've done and what I've been through is kind of difficult to grasp.
I'm very nostalgic (if you haven't noticed).
I really can't help it.
I love remembering things.
It's kind of like a game for me.
I put the pieces together.
If something doesn't feel right or someone tells me something different, I try to put it together and figure out what's REALLY going on.

I keep focused on what matters.
If it doesn't jump out at me or affect me in some way, then I'm not going to worry about it.
That's why days go faster.
I try to put my attention on the "now" and process it.
Kind of like a memory card...minus the "erase" option.
Looking through old pictures and things of the sort, I don't know whether to be happy or thankful.
Or both for that matter.

I have those times where I remember those days and smile about it.
I also have those moments where I wish I had an "erase" button to completely forget it ever happened.

No matter how hard I seemed to try, I always remember.
The reason why?
Well, it impacted me.
Just because I don't like what happened doesn't mean I forget it.
Bad pieces remind me why I am the way I am.
I know I say that [previous] phrase all too often, but it's true.

I wouldn't be the same without it.
Dragging days are just part of life.
I seem to face them all to often, or so I feel like I do.
Take joy in the days that aren't so great.
Take joy in the moments where time feels like time is going to slow.
He gives us each of those moments.
We need to make the most of them.
Time will pass, days will feel like weeks, and things won't ever be completely the way you think, but I can promise that if you begin to focus on what God is doing, you will make the most of everyday.
He's no father time; He IS the Father of ALL.

Late Introduction.

I never really introduced myself.
Well, I mean, hopefully you would have figured out that my name is Shelby.
But you can call me Shelbs, Slinny, or Wall-E.
Nonetheless, I should've talked a little bit more about myself and what has got me to where I am.

I'm a (as of when I'm writing this) 19 year old gal from a small town in West Texas.
I go to Texas A&M and absolutely love it.
I blog about what's on my mind really.
I would describe myself as an awkward, but perfectly placed girl.
What I mean by that is I've got brown, naturally curly hair, green eyes, and a very different personality.
I've been told I'm not ordinary, which I find describes me to the point of where it can become weird.
I'm tall.
I have two different sized feet.
Second child of four.
Obsession with nail polish, YouTube, Bath & Body Works, and music (except rap...I can't take it).
I love Supernatural.
Charles and Alli Trippy are some of the biggest inspirations in my life.
I've seen each Star Wars episode at least 3 times (some more than that, but I still get that awe as if that was my first time seeing it).
I drive a tiny car.
I love frogs, owls, and peacocks.
I gave my life to Jesus Christ about 12 years ago (which was the BEST decision of my life).

Growing up in a small town, then moving to a HUGE college is tremendously hard.
Quick flashback to when I was in High School.......
I seriously HATED it.
With a passion.
I counted the years, then months, then days until graduation.
Freshmen year.
Woah, that was an interesting year.
My older sister, Kaleigh, was a senior at the time.
She was also valedictorian of her class.
That in itself was hard for me because I always felt like EVERYONE was expecting that from me.
Which didn't happen (but you'll read more about that later).
It was hard having to live up to that, so I didn't.
My sophomore year was probably one of the most awkward for me.
I wore glasses, had braces, usually had my hair in a bun, and usually wore things twice my size.
Yeah, go ahead, I give you permission to laugh at me.
It was pretty wicked.
What some people don't know is that I was also struggling with a lot of stuff.
Things just never seemed to go right.
My junior year was a little different.
March of that year (2010), I got my braces taken off, a haircut, and new glasses...in a day.
I went back to school completely different.
Things began to change.
People were beginning to notice me.
It felt weird.
I had never really known that feeling and honestly, sometimes it still freaks me out.
MOVING ONWARD!
Senior Year.
The supposedly "Best Year of Your Life".
HA!
Try one of the worst, at least for me.
I mean, apart from being Flag Captain for two years, and mascot for one (which at times I REALLY hated doing, but it made others happy and that's what mattered), there really wasn't anything here for me.
If you asked my parents and people who knew me pretty well, they would've told you that I was counting the days to leave.
Graduation came (finally....).
One of the happiest days of my life.
Grabbing my diploma, flashing a smile, and thanking God that I survived.
That summer was kinda rough and busy.
About that time, I fell away from my relationship with God (I wouldn't want to go to church, bible studies, wouldn't touch my bible, nothing).
Well, it was kinda terrible.
One of the roughest time of my life.
After realizing how stupid I was, I aimed for change.
Summer passed and I started to grow that relationship with Him back (mostly thanks to Impact, my amazing leaders, awesome friends, and fully to our gracious God).
Fast Forward back to now.
I know what [some] of my flaws are, but I also know God loves me the way I am.
I have an amazing and super supportive family.
The best bunch of friends that I could ever imagine.
All these things just because God made it this way.
God didn't HAVE to give them to me, but He did.
HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!
I've learned that this moment, right now, is what matters.

The Now.
Not the Then.
Now.
He's still teaching me everyday how to grow.
I still make stupid mistakes, that probably will never change.
I'm human.
I'm Shelby.
That won't change.
I promise.
My height might, but I won't.
I'll always be Shelby.

Find the Words.

Sometimes, I just can't find the words to say.
It's like for a split second I've lost the ability to say what I want.
Talking is something that I do more than some people.
I guess it's a gift.
When I talk about certain subjects, I find it hard to really say what is on my mind.
I like to close certain parts of what I want to say off so I can't say harsh words.
When I know I should speak up, I can't find the courage to be that "fearless talker" that some say I am.
I want this to change.
That's one reason I started to blog I guess.
I could vent out everything I wanted to without really caring what people said because I could just delete the comment or rewrite something if that's not what I had meant it to say.
Life isn't exactly like that.
I can't take back the things I wish I wouldn't have said.
I can't delete the comments of what people have said to me.
I can't edit any of it.
I guess that's what makes life, well, life.
I wonder a lot what my life would be like if I could do those things.
Endless possibilities.
Since I can't "edit" my life, I have to live with what has made me who I am.
I'm not saying this is a bad thing, don't get me wrong.
I think it just helps me to realize how to handle certain situations, what to say and not to say, and just improve.
I'm glad that God has made it this way.
Each day I learn something new.
I'm able to use what I gain towards others.
Even though I wish somethings were different or that I didn't do certain things, I wouldn't change it.
Each is a part of what's made me to who I am and what I do.
I'm human.
I know I'll screw up more times than considerable, but I know that no matter what it will make me stronger.
I am who I am and I have to make that clear.
I may not be able to find the words to say, but don't underestimate what you don't know.
I am Shelby and that can never be changed.

The Beginning.

Well, I don't really know what to say.
I blog a lot about music and pictures--two of my favorite things.
I blog pretty regularly on my original page, but for some reason, I just wanted something a little new.
Fresh.
I am keeping my other page (http://shelb11.buzznet.com/user/), but I am starting this.
For the books, I will probably post the same blogs on both sites (just for the fact that I have readers both place [also, I'm not bragging on myself, I promise-just explaining! :D]).
To add to that, I will probably post more of my thoughts here.
I think a lot, I can't help it.
:)
Who knows, you may see some recipes on here too!
I hope you enjoy what you'll find here.
It's something that I'm passionate about, and I hope you like it!
Much love and see you soon.
-Shelby.