Anxieties.

There's something that I've wanted to talk about for a while.

Some already know about it and others haven't the slightest.

For those of you who already know, thank you for your support; it truly means a lot to me.

For those who don't know, I hope you take my perspective into account and choose to support me.

This isn't an easy thing to talk about, but I'm ready to take a step in this direction.

I have anxiety.  

According to my doctor, I have stress-induced anxiety.

For years, I knew that something about me was off. 

I wasn't able to handle certain things like my older sister or friends would and honestly, it was extremely frustrating.
They could hold their own and I was barely able to concentrate.

My mind was basically a big mess, and sometimes it still can be.

My anxiety has caused me problems in the past.

Mainly with school..

I would study for an exam and whenever I would go to take it, I would fall apart.

I would read the first couple of questions or instructions and my mind would blank, my heart would race, and I would start breathing extremely fast or cry; basically a panic attack.

It really hit when I came to college.

It wasn't terribly visible my first year but come my second year, I fell apart.

Almost to the point of completely dropping out of school.

It was awful.

After pushing through, miraculously, I ended up barely passing.

Over that summer, I talked to my parents and my boss about what was wrong with me (that's basically how I said it...) and we all came to the conclusion that I might have some kind of anxiety.

We didn't want to jump to conclusions, so I decided to see how that next semester would go and continue from there. 

That winter break, I went to see my doctor.

That was a rough day.

This doctor I've known for most of my life and after talking with him, he decided that putting me on some medicine would help me.

Terrified doesn't begin to describe what I felt.

Although I tried to keep a brave face, inside I was racing. 

After he explained what it would do, I was able to calm down and accept what he was saying.

To this day, I'm still on this medicine and that's another thing I want to hit on really quick.

Anxiety is defined as this: 

"a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease; typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome"

For the record, I'm not crazy or whatever word is associated with it. 

I'm human. 

I am a 21 year old woman who loves Jesus, her family, her friends, her boyfriend, and her life.

If you've known me for a good while, you can probably tell that I do.

I want to be extremely clear--anxiety does not define me. 

Yes, it is a part of me, but it is not me. 

This medicine that I've been taking has truly helped me. 

I'm able to take exams without completely breaking down.

I don't worry as much about certain things.

I'm also still working on myself.

I'm still trying to combat this.

It's a daily battle.

I'm working on becoming better.

I'm working on building my confidence.

I'm working on being lovely.

Anxiety doesn't define me.

It will never define me. 

Keep Going.

A few days ago, I received news that no one ever wants to hear.
Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've gotten news like this.
Since my freshman year of college, this is the second time.
If you haven't been able to guess, yes...a family member of mine is very sick and isn't expected to be with us much longer.

I've taken the past few days to think, collect and prepare myself.
No one is ever really ready for stuff like this.
Even if you claim to be, you never are.

I'll say it like it is: this sucks.
Someone whom I have a connection with isn't going to be on this physical planet much longer.
Someone who has influenced me and supported my reasoning behind certain things isn't going to be able to watch me pursue my dream.
It's something we all experience at one point or another, but it will always hurt.
It will always make you ask questions and yell and scream into oblivion.
It'll make you ask "Why is this happening?!", and you become so overwhelmed you can't think straight.
I'm guilty of doing this.
I honestly don't know what to say.
I'm at a loss for words and my thoughts are still a bit out of control.

The thing that's hard for me is that we all were expecting this from the recent diagnosis, but we weren't expecting the time frame of it.
We've known for a little while that it wasn't good, but now, it's evident.
My heart is in pain, confusion, and is trying to process everything.
No one expects things like this to happen so suddenly.
All I can do right now is just be thankful for the time I had with them, keep praying and staying strong.

I personally feel that music, sleep, and jotting down my thoughts is something I can do to keep my feet steady.
The day I found out, I got back to my room and crawled in my bed, just praying and crying to the point of exhaustion.
My blog posts and journal are a way that I write down all these feelings and thoughts to help me sort them out.
Some of the music that I've been listening to is:
-Anchor by Mindy Gledhill
-Neptune by Sleeping at Last
-the entire Oceans EP by Sleeping at Last
-Thistle and Weeds by Mumford & Sons
-Like the Dawn by The Oh Hello's
-Dein Herz trägt Felsen by Eva Croissant
-But you can enjoy life before and after, by Weaver at the Loom

Although I'll never be fully prepared, for now, I'm going to do my best to be strong for my family and for my sake.
The good Lord will take her when He is ready to; I pray that he helps us to be at peace when it comes and to be joyous for the time we've had with her.


Update:
Unfortunately, she didn't make it.
Pamela passed on June 20, 2014 at 6:30 a.m.
May the Lord watch over our family, her friends, and the people she affected.
We love you.

Believe.

In one of our staff meetings, our boss had us write down "Believe Statements".
What they are are basically exactly what it says; you write things you believe in.
Ironically, I've done something similar like this before, so I was familiar with the concept.
My boss had picked us each out separate, page long statement that he thought would relate to us.
The statement I was given fit me pretty well.
The overall statement said this:

“So I believe in treating strangers like family. I believe in making people feel comfortable. No one should have to feel isolated or alone when they walk into a room full of strangers, and in New Orleans, no one does.”

Granted, I'm a Texas gal and everything applied, except the New Orleans part.
I feel like if we don't treat people kindly, that it reflects us badly and makes them feel rejected or that something is wrong with them.
This statement also falls under one of my strengths: Includer.
What that means is to stretch the circle wider so everyone can be included.
Seeing the sight of someone being left out hurts me and I try my absolute best to include as many people as possible.
We are all equally important and no one should be ignored.
Each of us should be included because it is the least we all deserve.

After we finished reading ours, he had us write a believe statement of our own.
At first, I had ask myself what I believed.
I mean, I know what I believe, but describing it is quite difficult.

So this is what I wrote for my 'first' believe statement:

"I believe in grace. I believe in having faith. Not only in Christ, but in myself. I believe that hardship, struggle, and pain make us who we are. We’re all different and that, I’m thankful for. Psalm 139:14, my favorite verse, explains each of us perfectly. I believe that if you have faith in (both God and) yourself, that things are going to be just fine. Just because you’re give a bad hand doesn’t been you’re going to lose. By believing in grace, we are given many days to show love to others. I believe in love. Love for yourself and for others. If you can’t bring yourself to love yourself, you can’t fully love others. I believe in love, grace, faith, God, others, and myself. I believe in happiness. Happiness is earned, not bought. I believe in these because it helps shape us into we are meant to be. We are lovely and we are loved."

I could definitely expand on this, but I think this is a good start.

The Unsaid Thank You's.

"Thank you" is one of the most wonderful phrases, but I often feel I don't say it enough.
There are a few certain people who I feel need to hear this phrase more than I say it.

Mom and Dad:
Thank you for believing in me.
You give me the hope, strength, perseverance, and stability I need to make it through each day.
You both have taught me that it's okay to fail as long as I don't give up.
You guys have also shown me that it's okay to be me.
Even through my phases, you still chose to believe in me and I can't thank you enough for that.
Thank you for showing me Jesus; it's truly the best gift you could have ever given me.
You sure raised this girl right and never think otherwise.

Kaleigh, Cody, and Maggie:
Thanks for being family.
I know we didn't choose each other, but we were definitely meant to be together.
You three have given me tons of laughter and a few tears along the way and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Each of you play a big role in my life and I would never trade it.
Thanks for being you.

To the rest of my family:
Thank you for sticking with me and supporting me.
There are times when we can't stand each other, but we never back down from the challenge and find our way back.
Thanks for being family.
I couldn't ask for a better family.

To my friends:
You guys.......you mean the world to me.
You are my support and bulwark.
Whenever I need help, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to make me laugh, I know I can count on you.
Thanks for being the anchor I need when the waves get crazy.

God:
Thank you is far from what you deserve.
Your unending grace and love shelters me when I think I can't do it anymore.
Thank you for being my anchor and for giving me such a beautiful life.
Thank you for my family and my friends, they truly are one of the biggest blessings.
Thank you for letting me go to the best university in the world and for helping me stick with it...even when I don't want to.
Thank you for giving me a wonderful family and amazing friends.
I can see your light through them and together, I feel like they can help me conquer anything that comes my way.
Even when things get dark, your light is there.
Your timing on everything is perfect, even when I don't see it at first.
Thank you for guiding me and helping me to not be afraid.
And lastly, thank you for making me the way that I am: fearful and wonderful.

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is such a strong word.
It's such a hard thing to do as well.
There comes a time where you become so hurt, you feel like you can never forgive.
And on the opposite of that, there are so many times we feel like we don't deserve forgiveness.
You think about the past and what lead you to where you are, I know I do often.
I become so lost in the things I've done and what I wished I would've done different, but it's all done.
There's nothing I can really do.

Forgiving sounds easy, right?
All you have to do is go up to that person and say, "Hey, I'm really sorry for A, B, and C. Can you forgive me?"
Yeah, I think it all out in my head that way, but it usually turns into me stuttering for five minutes and finally either giving up or saying something along the lines of, "I'm not perfect, I messed up, and you should forgive me."
NO; I can't keep doing that to myself because I feel so much worse.
I have to process things before I can move on.
If something major happens in my life, I have to sit down, think about it, and figure out what the heck I'm going to do.
I get in this phase of trying to figure out what I could do to be the "good friend who never screws up" but honestly, no such thing exists.
Imperfections surround my life and sometimes, I get lost in them.
I screw up often and definitely don't always make it right.
I get to the point of where I don't feel like someone could forgive me.
And on the other hand, I don't always want to forgive someone who's done me wrong.
It doesn't really seem fair because they're the ones who messed up and should be down at my feet, begging for me to forgive them.
That's not okay.
When did this perception get so screwed up?
Was it because of what they did or is it because I made it seem worse than it really is?
This seems so silly.

Another hard part of forgiving is the part where you let go and forget it.
Now, some say you never want to forget what you forgave them for, and that may be the case, but for me...
Why hold onto something that's been forgiven?
If you fully forgive them and they're completely sincere, why hold onto that baggage?
It's just going to drag you down.
There's been times where I don't want to forgive someone because they've done something that's hurt me so deep that it's almost impossible to let go of....but that moment that you let go of it, that feeling....being completely free of that hurt or guilt, that's what makes it worth it.
Letting go and moving on from it is so beautiful.
You feel different; inside and out.
Isn't it worth it?

“Alles ist seinen Preis wert.”

"All things are worth their price."

How amazing is that?

Isn't it worth it?

Letting go.

Moving on.

Being free of these burdens.

Forgiving those who've hurt you.

Asking ones you've hurt for their forgiveness.

It's worth it.

Seeing Yourself.

Today, I wanted to challenge myself.
I'm going to start by saying that it was not easy.
At all.
I challenged myself with not looking into a mirror, or my reflection in general, for a day.

You'd think that this would be easy because you don't have to look up.
False.
For anyone who has ever tried putting on make-up without a mirror has an idea...
That was kind of difficult, but alas, I did it!
Anywho, my reasoning:
I wanted to do this because I feel like I spend so much time looking at what I look like.
We never really think about it, but it's natural to look at yourself.
It's part of our daily routine.
Pushing myself to not look in the mirror was hard.
I had to remind myself every time I went somewhere to not look at my reflection.
So much of the time we scream, "Look! Notice me!" inside that we let it take over us.
I'm just as guilty as anyone.
And this....this kicked my butt.
Especially when my new glasses came in the mail...I couldn't look at myself in them.
I had to wait!

It made me think about myself; what I look like on the inside, what God was doing in my life, and how I was changing and what I needed to change.
It was a huge wake-up call, and a very rude one at that.
I spend so much time thinking about how I look to other people instead of looking at what I do for other people.
After going all day without looking into a mirror, I saw something a little different.
I felt like I saw someone else.
I did.
As strange as it sounds, I saw me.
I looked at my features and saw something good; something positive.
I didn't directly point out my flaws.
I could see my green eyes, my crazy, curly hair, my pearl teeth, and perfectly pink cheeks.
These are things I've always looked at, but never really saw.
I could always find something wrong with me.
After this, I told myself that I'm going to do my best to look at me.
Saying this to myself was obviously very hard.
I spend so much of the time that I look at myself, finding something about myself to hate.
Why?
So I can tell people how much I dislike a part of me and they can make me feel better.
Yeah, I'll admit to doing it every now and again.
I highly doubt you can deny doing the same.
We spend so much time putting ourselves down.
We pick out every single flaw we have and focus all of our attention on it.
All of our energy goes into disliking things about ourselves.
My all time favorite verse is Psalm 139:14;

“I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

How beautiful is that?
Going from that, in Isaiah 12: 5 it says;

“Sing to the Lord, for he has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world.”

Let the world know of his grace and his glory.

The joy I've gotten from this has made me dance and sing.
I'm promising myself, right here, that I'm going to do my absolute best to change my attitudes about the way I look.
It's not going to be easy.
In fact, it's going to be extremely hard, but I can do it.
With my friends and family to support me and Christ walking with me, I have no doubt in my heart that I can do this.

So here I go.

Testimonials.

I know I've mentioned this in the past, but today marks an important day for me.
Three years ago, I made a promise to myself to get better.
Three years ago marks the day I quit being anorexic.
And after being that way for years, I thought it was impossible.
Even though it was hard, I did it.
For people who have never gone through something like this, a promise like this is difficult to keep.
Making this promise was one of the best decisions
Anywho, I decided to have a little fun today.
I don't want to dwell on what was.
I'm moving on with my life.
I've grown in so many ways, I don't even know where to start.
As for the fun.....
with a little bit of help from a friend......
well.....
I'll just leave a few of these here. :)



What?!
I can't help it....
I love smiling.
I love pictures.
I love capturing and seeing happiness and growth.

"She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her."
-Proverbs 3:15

"Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure."
-Psalm 16:9

"Lust not after her beauty in your heart; neither let her take you with her eyelids."
-Proverbs 6:25

"For you are our glory and joy."
-1 Thessalonians 2:20

When I look at these pictures, I don't see what was.

I don't see the hurt and the pain that I put myself through.

I see happiness, joy, and the love of being alive each day.

I am seeing myself fearfully and wonderfully made.

I can see that now.
The reason I see write all these things is to show my life and my testimony; to show someone else that it's okay to be afraid, but not to let it stop you.
Be fearful.
Shine.
Dance.
Sing.
Show the world who you are and what you have to offer.

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
-Proverbs 31:30

The lovely friend of mine who took these pictures: http://psalm121aggierider.wordpress.com/