I'm a Mess.

Currently, I feel like, emotionally, my life is a mess. 

Spiritually, I'm growing and it is not sunshine and daisies. 

It's a long, painful journey. 

Lately, things have not being going as I have planned. 

I planned everything out and one small hiccup causes everything to go down. 

Or so it seems.

I take a step forward and am sucker-punched five steps back.

I crawl back to where I was and keep pushing. 

I'm in a place where important decisions are having to be made. 

Changes are happening and I don't know how, when or what things are going to change. 

I feel like I'm at this bridge that's going off the ledge and I don't know where it goes.

Boards are missing, I can't see below the bridge and I don't know where the end of this bridge is. 

I have this continual thought in the back of my mind that tells me to be brave.
Why do I have to be brave?

I have made a lot of mistakes and will continue to make mistakes for the rest of my life.
I have said things I haven't meant and will probably say more.
It's not necessarily something I'm proud of, but I am human.
Human.
A simple word.
That's that.
I am a sinner who is so undeserving of God's grace.
I will fall.
I will fail.
I am loved.
I am His.

God loved the thought of me so much that He created me. 

He created me from the stars in the galaxy and dust of this earth. 

God BREATHED into me. 

He created me for a purpose, giving me gifts to please Him and help others. 

I may not know what's going on a lot of the time, but I have to trust Him. 

Even when things are uncertain, I have to trust. 

I have to have a full trust and be patient for Him to work. 

It's hard and seems so unfair.

Why can't I say "I trust" and things be fixed right then and there?

Why do I have to wait for things to change when He knows I'm hurting now? 

Why is it so hard?

God is not cruel, biased or unfair.
God is just, jealous, merciful and gracious.

He loved us before creation and loves us now.

I go to Him with these problems, fears, worries and anxieties, as a child will to their parents.

I want to fix my problems myself and make things better, but am powerless.

I fight so hard at times to do it myself but can't.

Why should I? 

He is with me. 

So hi, I'm a mess.

I am human.

I am a princess. 

I am a child of the King. 

I am loved. 

Jewels

Jewels are a precious, curious and beautiful things.
Some are considered rare and others common.
We use them to show our love to someone and sometimes show them off.
I personally see people as jewels.
We are precious and bold, beautiful and rare.
When we loose a jewel, there is a deep sadness and hurt.
We miss it deeply, but remember it perfectly.
Today, a jewel was lost.
She was taken home to be with her gracious, jealous and loving Father.

Sometimes, her stubbornness would  be obnoxious, but we knew that was just a part of the package.
She had a heart of gold, intelligent mind and strong soul.
The memories I have of her and with her I will forever cherish.
Sister, friend and joyous soul.
She was full of life and her smile was infectious.
She was crafty, creative and bubbly.

To my sweet Jewel,
I love you forever.
Although we didn't get along sometimes, you were still like family.
I consider you a sister, not only in life but in Christ.
You have taught me so much, whether you knew it or not.
Being able to hold your hand, tell you I love you and see your beautiful eyes light up are something I will never forget.
I will see you again, my sweet and precious Julie.

All my love and more,

Shelbs.

To the one whom my soul loves...

You.
You are my better half, my soul mate and the one who God has intended me to spend the rest of my life with.
I pray for you, for me and for us.
I'm not even sure if I've met you and if I have, I wouldn't know.
I know that when the both of us were created, Christ had a plan for us to be together.
When, where and how?--I'm still not sure.

I pray for the one who has you now.
That she is treating you right and giving you the love you deserve.
I also pray that when the time comes for you both to let go of each other, that you each have the strength, endurance and hope that it is for the better.
It will be hard, but keep trusting that God is preparing you for me.

I pray for you each day.
I pray that God provides in every way that seems fit for you in that moment.
I pray that He gives you joy, peace, hope and happiness--even when the waters are rough.
I pray that He prepares your heart for me.

I pray for myself.
I pray for forgiveness for the sins I've committed.
I pray for healing and endurance.
I pray that He prepares my heart and soul for you.

I pray for our families.
That they grow together.
That we are able to come together and celebrate the works that God has provided.
That we start our family with Christ at the center.

I have been in love.
I have been hurt.
I have felt like the world has come crashing down.
I have seen God's majesty at work.
I have cried for change and celebrated when it happened.
I have sinned, but He has forgiven me.

I ask just a few things of you, my love.
I ask that you love the Lord more than you will ever love me.
That you treat me like I deserve to be treated and love me with all you have.
That you never hurt me and throw off balance.
That you trust the wait and uncertainty for now because He will provide.
That when the time comes, that you give me all of you.
That you pray continually for you, me and us.
Keep dreaming, keep pushing and do not give up.
Failure will happen, but you have to pick yourself back up.

Here is what I promise you.
I promise that I will give you all I have.
I promise to love Christ will every inch of my being.
I promise to never hurt you, lie to you, or keep things from you.
I promise to tell you everything on my mind and heart.
I promise to keep praying for you, myself and us.
I promise to treat you well and provide in what ways I can.
I promise to give you all of me.

Together, we will do many wonderful things.
We will be happy, in love and God-fearing together.
I can't promise you perfection, but I can promise you that I will give my all.
Failure will happen, but the beauty of that is to keep pushing.

To the one whom my soul loves...
I love you.
Always.

Path of Rediscovery: Part 2

Ah, what a time...
I'm approaching 23 and am about to venture into an entire new time in my life.
New places, new people, new adventures.
A year ago, I wouldn't expect to be where I am now.
I've learned a lot over the last year.
Most of which has been in the last few months.
People change.
I changed.
Life changes.
Good and bad.
I've been trying to beat that into my head.
I've changed this past year.
I've gotten bolder, stronger, louder and brighter.
I've also had a lot of hurt, pain, and anxiety.
Some of which I thought would never happen.
These things are rarely going to change.
Someone is always going to hurt you.
There will always be pain.
For myself, I will always have anxiety.

Although these all seem so negative and scary, they've also developed and furthered the good in my life.
People hurt me, so I needed to be strong.
I've experienced pain and I came out brighter and louder because of it.
My anxiety has had several significantly bad flares, so I learned and became bolder about it.
I'm not done changing.
I never will be.
I grieve, I cry, I get angry and I get over it.
And that's okay.
It's 100% okay to do those things.
When it's time to let go and free these burdens, do it.
I had to stop holding on to things that I couldn't change.
And after grieving and being angry, I was able to let them go.
I had no more control, so why do I keep holding on?
Did it hurt? --Very.
Was it going to change? --Probably not.
Will it change? --I'm not sure.
Did I get through it and over it? --Yep!
Sometimes closure is best, other times there is no closure.
I've learned that over my life and definitely these last couple years.
Lives ended, relationships ended and life was shaken.
There will always be questions, but not always an answer.
I will sometimes think, "what if I did this different...", but there's nothing to change.
It happened the way it did and it happened for a reason.
Sometimes it sucks, but it will never change.

Someone once told me,

"I can't promise you results, but I can promise you effort."

The past few days of writing this, I've stuck those words in my head.
As long as there is effort, there is change.
It may not always be what and how we want it or expect it to be, but life happens the way it does for a reason.
So what if this one thing doesn't go your way?
Go with the change, adapt and be better.
I've definitely gotten better this past year.
I made new friends and built relationships, but also lost some along the way.
I gave myself the time to grieve over a few things (probably a little too long in certain areas, sorry), but now...I'm ready.
I'm ready to start another chapter of my life and keep pushing myself to be better.
With effort comes results, no matter how small.
The results may not always be what you expect, but it's always what is best for you.

That's another phrase; "Best for you."
It seems so simple.
Do what is best for you.
Things work out for the best.
So on and so on.
It sucks, it really does.
How you accept it is how you're going to power through it.
For me, I said okay...I know I'm great and smart and wonderful and beautiful and wise.
I'm going to go with it and see what happens.
I needed a hero and strength, so that's what I started to be.
My own hero.
And guess what--I got through it!
I had to pull myself together, put my hair down, put my eyeliner and lipstick on and go.
It may not seem like that right now, but it will be okay if you believe it will be.
If you don't believe it, you'll never move on.
Moving on is tough and can really take grief and time to do it, but it's not impossible.
You can't change that past, but you can brighten your future.
People will start to see that growth--that spark and see how awesome you are.
Sometimes they'll think, "man, I let that go. I lost that."
Yep, they did.
It's okay and always will be.
There's no reason to be harsh about things, you just have to clear your mind and say, "I'm going to do it. Whatever it is and whatever it takes."
That is how you find what really is "best for you."

One of my mentors gave me a book as a gift from (finally) graduating from college.
The book was based off of a poem called, "the Dash."
Essentially, when you look at a gravestone, it has the year born, a dash and the year of passing.
That dash is everything in between.
The good and bad, tough and simple, difficult and easy.
It's all there in that dash.
What matters most is how we make it count.
Doing your best, trying your hardest and knocking through every obstacle that comes your way is making it count.
People will remember you for who you are, what you've done and how you lived.
There's no reason to keep putting these burdens and pressures on yourself.

When you can't see the sun behind the clouds, you know it's there.
Let it in and fill your heart.
You have to love yourself before you can let someone love you.
You have to power through the darkness to feel the light.
Today, I let go.
I let go to be free and happy and bright.
I let go because I know that nothing will change if I don't, no matter how much I want it to, and there's no reason to keep burdening myself with it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best:

"Finish each day and be done with. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

I set myself free of the pain, struggle, unnecessary hurt and grief to realize that I'm going to be okay.
The world hasn't stopped moving, my heart hasn't stopped beating and the sun hasn't stopped shining.
There will be moments when you feel like everything in your life is a chaotic mess, but just know that "it doesn't matter how slowly you go as long as you don't stop."
I woke up one day and thought, "I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be just fine."
And I am; I'm okay.
I'm outgrowing people, and that's okay.
I'm sitting in the moments--good and bad.
Finding a self sufficient joy is what I'm going for.
I'm looking for my sunshine again. 
Today, I don't feel alone. 
I'm going to mess up.
I'm going to feel moments of sadness and pain.
I'm going to have times where I want to lay on my couch, watch movies, eat mac and cheese and wear sweatpants.
But today, I feel the sun on my face and light in my soul.

One of my all time favorite artists, MØ released 'Final Song.'

She said that "‘Final Song’ is about reconnecting with your inner strength. With your inner glow, passion, spirit animal, whatever—the force that keeps us going and doing what we love...We all need to feel empowered from within to be the best version of ourself, but it’s not always easy and that’s what inspired me to write these lyrics. When you’re united with your inner glow you can beat the fears and fly towards your dreams."

I couldn't ask for something more empowering than this.
I'm regaining my strength and rediscovering who I am. 

"I'm stronger because I had to be, smarter because of my mistakes, happier because of the sadness I've been through and wiser because I've learned."

I am sunshine mixed with a little bit of hurricane.
I am a mess of gorgeous chaos who will never be dull.
I am flawless and beautiful.
It never hurts to keep looking for sunshine.
Even when you can't see it, it's always there.
The darker the night, the brighter the stars.
I am worth so much.
More than rubies and precious gems.
More than the pain and hurt that I've been through.
Because in the darkest hours, hope rains down.
This isn't my final song.

"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." -John Steinbeck

Path of Rediscovery: Part 1

This has been a long year so far and it's only halfway over.
Constant change.
Having to adjust to these changes.
My mom and dad have always joked around and said "things always happen in threes!"
I didn't believe that until I began noticing that it was true.
Things happen in threes.
Good and bad.

Lately, I've had a whopping 3 bad and 3 good.
Unfortunately, the bad just lasts for (what feels like) forever..
I tried to focus on positive things that were going on but I felt like I was being crushed by negative.
Things just kept happening and part of it made me sick.
One night I fell to the floor and just cried.
I kept asking God why these things kept happening and why I felt like everything kept falling apart.
After about an hour or so of constant sobbing and praying, I made it to my bed.
That next morning, I woke up different.
I woke up with clear eyes (minus the grogginess from the tears the night before) and hurting soul.

I laid in my bed for a little while and just stared at my ceiling.
I wished none of it had happened.
I hoped that I was in the daze of unreality.
What do I do now?
How do I move on?
Who am I?

What am I supposed to do?
I began to lose myself over the past few months and I'm paying for it.
Granted, I'm not blaming myself, I'm just saying that my surroundings and such were having such an affect on me that I forgot who I was.
It's silly, I know, but it happens.

So far, I've been doing everything I can to keep pushing.
I have this phrase that I've been telling myself and that I say to help boost myself up.
"Flawless."
Now, before you people freak out, I know I'm flaw-ful, not flawless.
It's just something that helps me think, "Girl, you're great. You are awesome and you are strong."
Some of my friends have seen this change in me.
So much that I'm pretty sure they get sick of me saying it.
(Sorry not sorry hahaha. Love youuuu)
In all honesty, it's really helped.
It's shown me that I truly am important and strong and that no matter what life is throwing at me, that I will find a way to push through.

This is by no means the end of this path.
In fact, it's barely starting.
Life doesn't stop and neither do I.




Because flawless.

Closer & Closer.

I found out a few days ago that I only need 3 classes to be able to graduate.
7 HOURS to graduate.
WHAT.
I'm in complete awe and excitement.
I came into the collegiate world with 0 hours and now I'm close to the finish line.
I'm not done yet, but I am motivated and pushing myself everyday to finish strong.
I just wanted to thank a few people for pushing me and supporting me.
I don't tell them enough and I'm so very grateful for them.

To my parents, Sandy & Kevin,
Mom. Dad. Thank you both. You never gave up on me and never will. I appreciate you dealing with me, answering my calls at all hours of the day and for pushing me. You helped me figure out a lot in my life and told me that once I put my mind to it, I would do it. And you were right (there, I said it). I love y'all.

To my siblings & brother-in-law,
You guys are the best. Kaleigh and Brandon, y'all have helped me figure a lot out about school and how to get to where my degree will take me. Cody & Maggie, y'all are the sweetest younger (because little isn't really applicable) brother and sister I could ask for. Even though we don't always see eye-to-eye, I wanted to show you that if I can do it, you can definitely do it. Keep pushing.

To my amazing, best(est) friends,
Y'all. I wouldn't have survived college life with out you all here. From the late night froyo to the outrageous Zumba times, I'm so grateful for y'all. Y'all have been there when my family wasn't able to be there (in physical sense...because 8 hours is forever away) and told me to suck it up and push through it. Y'all have been my shoulder and support and always will be. Love youuuuu. <3

To Dr. Stephenson,
Thank you so much. You've helped me figure a lot out when it comes to college. You made me get on that freaking plane and I'm so thankful for that. You made time for me just so we can talk about life and you're definitely someone I look up to. Thank you for all you've done. I'm sure you'll get an e-mail from me soon so we can chat. Thank you.

To those who told me I couldn't do it,
Thank you. You are one of the main reasons why I am still here. You are the ones who said I wasn't smart enough, good enough and would never do anything with my life. You doubted my ability to do this. Thanks for being that motivation. I just wanted to tell you, I'm here and I will finish.

I'm so close to being done and I'm pushing myself everyday to keep going. I'm going to finish and I'm going to finish strong.
I can't wait to have that degree in my hand and it's going to be awesome.

Anxieties.

There's something that I've wanted to talk about for a while.

Some already know about it and others haven't the slightest.

For those of you who already know, thank you for your support; it truly means a lot to me.

For those who don't know, I hope you take my perspective into account and choose to support me.

This isn't an easy thing to talk about, but I'm ready to take a step in this direction.

I have anxiety.  

According to my doctor, I have stress-induced anxiety.

For years, I knew that something about me was off. 

I wasn't able to handle certain things like my older sister or friends would and honestly, it was extremely frustrating.
They could hold their own and I was barely able to concentrate.

My mind was basically a big mess, and sometimes it still can be.

My anxiety has caused me problems in the past.

Mainly with school..

I would study for an exam and whenever I would go to take it, I would fall apart.

I would read the first couple of questions or instructions and my mind would blank, my heart would race, and I would start breathing extremely fast or cry; basically a panic attack.

It really hit when I came to college.

It wasn't terribly visible my first year but come my second year, I fell apart.

Almost to the point of completely dropping out of school.

It was awful.

After pushing through, miraculously, I ended up barely passing.

Over that summer, I talked to my parents and my boss about what was wrong with me (that's basically how I said it...) and we all came to the conclusion that I might have some kind of anxiety.

We didn't want to jump to conclusions, so I decided to see how that next semester would go and continue from there. 

That winter break, I went to see my doctor.

That was a rough day.

This doctor I've known for most of my life and after talking with him, he decided that putting me on some medicine would help me.

Terrified doesn't begin to describe what I felt.

Although I tried to keep a brave face, inside I was racing. 

After he explained what it would do, I was able to calm down and accept what he was saying.

To this day, I'm still on this medicine and that's another thing I want to hit on really quick.

Anxiety is defined as this: 

"a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease; typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome"

For the record, I'm not crazy or whatever word is associated with it. 

I'm human. 

I am a 21 year old woman who loves Jesus, her family, her friends, her boyfriend, and her life.

If you've known me for a good while, you can probably tell that I do.

I want to be extremely clear--anxiety does not define me. 

Yes, it is a part of me, but it is not me. 

This medicine that I've been taking has truly helped me. 

I'm able to take exams without completely breaking down.

I don't worry as much about certain things.

I'm also still working on myself.

I'm still trying to combat this.

It's a daily battle.

I'm working on becoming better.

I'm working on building my confidence.

I'm working on being lovely.

Anxiety doesn't define me.

It will never define me.